Tag Archive | boundaries

Author Confessions: When God Imposes Limits

Oct13
Reading Time: 4 minutes

Author Confessions: When God Imposes Limits

In a way I approached this topic when I talked about Emotional Bandwidth so you can check that out if you want, but I’m taking a different approach this time.

We often are told to reach for high and lofty goals. As kids we are told the lie that “You can be anything you want!” It’s a way to encourage creativity and pursuing dreams and passions but the reality is, rising to the top of anything is often part passion, calling, incredibly hard work, and innate ability.

We often focus on the hard work part of things. If you do A, B, and C, you can reach your goal. Reality is that I cannot do any of that on my own volition no matter how much I power through. I need God! Two people can do all the same things with different results because sometimes life intervenes, doesn’t it?

Something simple as taking a vacation to a lovely island resort is foiled  by a broken arm (me two years ago–and we still haven’t gone!). Pursuing a degree but health, or finances, or the inability to grasp the material can keep someone from going that next step.

I’m not talking about making excuses. Many people have overcome amazing challenges or disabilities to accomplish great things: Joni Earekson Tada (paralysis), or Nick Vujicic (no arms or legs), or even Temple Grandin (autism), have overcome, adapted and pursued amazing things. Disability, physical or even mental differences didn’t stop them. Ben Carson never let his skin color or a childhood family distubances and finanical challenges prevent him from going on to be a neurosurgeon and serving as the United States Secretary of Housing and Urban Development.

It’s easy to make excuses and blame other people or events for our inabilty to reach our goals. Slammed doors due to no fault of our own can keep a person from reaching their dream. Or send them on a better path. Sometimes the problems is within us.

The reality is, God tends to use ordinary people to carry out His plans, not just the rich, famous, highly educated, or incredibly talented. Yes, they have a role to play as well, but if your plumber had chosen to teach Philosophy at a college somewhere, who is going to fix your leaking faucet?

Our value is not found in accomplishing big, grand, things for God. A small church of faithful followers is just as important to the kingdom as a large one.

Not every book can be a best-seller no matter how much marketing experts give a formula for how to write it, get it published, and market it. My writing will never be the same as other authors I admire. There are those who love the stories I write. I write first for God.

My thought is this. We, as those who love and worship Jesus Christ, follow Him first. Anything we do, including honoring Him, is only viable through the power of the Holy Spirit dwelling within. When I try, on my own strength, I will likely fail or miss something greater that God wants to do in and through me. He’s the One who opens and closes doors. He’s the One who provides opportunties and may even lead in a direction I hadn’t originally considered. I didn’t aim to be an author when I was in college, or even as a kid. That wasn’t the dream I had for myself, and even then the dream wasn’t what I went to college for because I was practical and discouraged from following that.

But God. I love those words. But God. He is the One who works in and through us to accomplish HIS purposes. Not ours. No lofty ambition. My value and worth doesn’t need that kind of validation–or scrutiny.

I used to serve in leadership in church and taught theology and leadership classes to women. I loved every minute. For years we led a small group in our home and they became family. Now that we’ve moved, we’re searching for a church. My hands are open, palms empty, waiting for God to show us where we are to be. The way He wants to use us in a new family might be different, because the needs of that church might be different and God gifts and calls according to HIS purposes within that church community. We serve others, not ourselves. I need to let go of any sense of entitlement to do the stuff I’ve done before. In a larger church especially, we become a small fish. God may call us to one of those or something medium or small. We’ll see. Someone asked if we were chuch “shopping,” and I said no. We are looking for our home. Our family. God has to make that clear to both my husband and myself. It’s a long process.

I started out talking about God’s limitations because while God opens doors, He sometimes provides detours. That broken arm didn’t prevent any vacation, but a different one where we got to witness to a young man over lunch. I found out that last week I had a concussion so my days are looking different as I navigate healing. In the process, I’ve been able to meet more of my neighbors and share some of the bounty from the Hmongs who farm on our land. I love vegetables but we can only eat so much, so we share with others. Sharing food involves conversations as we listen and get to know those who live around us. We are here in this apartment for a season, but that season can still be rich with seeds planted.

Where or how have you found God imposing limits on you?

 

Author Confessions: Emotional Bandwidth

Sep22
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Author Confessions: Emotional Bandwidth

The other day I found myself saying to my husband, “I don’t have the emotional bandwidth for that today. Maybe some other time.”

The heat and the weeks of moving stress finally hit me at that point and I had to say: No.

I’m sure if I pushed myself I could have done more. But that might have caused more problems for me. The heat, the hard work, the stress. I was done.

Emotional bandwidth is a new term for me. I’m not sure how I learned it, but it makes sense. Internet gets slow when there’s not enough “bandwidth”  for the data to get through. We have a limited capacity for stress when it hits all areas of our being.

The same is true when our mental, physical, and emotional capacities are depleted. For the past two weeks I’d been dealing with headaches that just wouldn’t go away. Stress? Did I over do things physically causing misalignment in my neck and upper back? I don’t know but until I could find the time to research and then call to get into a chiropractor (and a new massage therapist) I wasn’t functioning at my peak.

I’ve been trying to balance the need to rest and recharge with the demands that come at me from all angles. It can be paralyzing. I’m blessed with dear friends who I can reach out to and who pray for me and offer words of encouragement even if they are 50 or 1,287 miles away. The blessings of the internet can keep us close. Two of my dear friends only just moved themselves so they have a deeper appreciation for the stresses that go along with that.

I remember learning about looking at aspects of your life from the perspective of a fuel gauge. Unfortunately the car needs more than fuel to run optimally. The oil needs to be clean and filled, the tires need to be inflated to the appropriate psi, wires need to connect, the starter must work, the battery in the key fob is now a concern that wasn’t twenty years ago.

We are more complex than a vehicle, even a brand new one with so many electronic, digital componants you need a master’s degree to be able to use them all.

I’ve been on this planet long enough, you think I’d have a good understanding of myself. I’m still learning. I’m grateful to a God who not only created me but understands parts of who I am that I don’t yet know about. Part of the issue for all of us, hopefully, is that we are growing and changing as we age, and hopefully that maturity helps us understand ourselves more completely. As we grow and change the world also changes around us and there is adaptation everywhere.

I’ve long had a discipline of time with God, reading Scripture and writing it down to help me slow my brain down and focus, and writing out my thoughts, feelings, and prayers. It helps but life can still be overwhelming. Slowing down, giving myself grace, even permission to cry when it becomes too much, is all healthy. And necessary.

Especially when events in the world can also throw one’s emotions into chaos. Grief, sorrow, horror all take a toll, whether we know a person impacted or not.

I think God sometimes takes us to the brink so we realize we can’t do it on our own and we desperately need Him. I’ve been seeking Him all along on this journey, however, it’s easy for that focus to slip.

I finally saw a chiropractor and my headaches disappeared. I got a new massage therapist and I’m sure that will help my body as I recover from the past few months of stress. Time with God daily helps as well as saying “no” when appropriate.

That can be difficult. I’ve had immediate reactions where I wanted to say NO but God led me to say yes and I was incredibly blessed. Sometimes I jump before seeking Him, and NO is likely to be a better default right now as I seek to find my way in a new community, search for a new church, and develop new relationships here.

Have you experienced issues with your emotional bandwidth and been forced to make adjustments? How has that worked out for you? What helps you protect your emotional bandwidth?

 

 

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Myth of Unconditional Love

Aug4
Reading Time: 5 minutes

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Myth of Unconditional Love

One of the cornerstones of some therapy is that people need unconditional love. The more I’ve thought about it though, it seems kind of wrong, doesn’t it?

There is no free pass with love. When my husband and I were doing premarital counseling, there was a questions we needed to answer about whether we believed anything could destroy our marriage. I said yes. Unconditional love would say no. Maybe I was more practical realizing that there are many things that can destroy a marriage. I don’t like divorce and I have no desire for that but it is naive to think that it is 100% preventable. While making a good marriage takes three (husband, wife, and the Lord), one person alone can destroy it.

Let me try to unpack this a little.

God loves us. He created us. There are many who say that because God is love there can be no Hell. Some dismiss God because of that. Unconditional love would only seek a person’s happiness and wellbeing. No strings attached.

Maybe the  difference here is there are boundaries and expectations. God’s one big desire was that we are to love Him with all our heart, mind, body, and soul. That’s a tough calling in a world where so many things pull us away to idols that cannot give us a tiny fraction of the love God has for us.

His love is unconditional in that He will always love us but He will leave us to our own devices if we spurn Him and He will allow negative consequences. Even in Scripture He intentionally brought punishment to the nation of Israel for their turning their back on Him. Are those strings?

“And you will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart.” (Jeremiah 29:13).

That sounds like conditions.  God still loved them, but the ability to have a loving relationship with Him was damaged by the choices of the people He called to be His own.

This applies to us as well.

We often forget that God is more than love. He is holy and cannot tolerate sin. He is righteous and pure and cannot stand the taint of sin and our disobedience. He does extend grace and mercy to those who turn to Him and seek His repentance. He even gave us the Holy Spirit to enable us to do all that–as long as we seek Him.

Now we could get into the weeds of self-will and predetermination here but setting that aside, the reality is, however we seek or not seek Him, it is something He desires and we do have some responsiblity for.

I have a child that was difficult to raise and part of that was due to other circumstances beyond mental illness challenges. While he has chosen to cut off a relationship with me, I do pray for him. I love him. I’m sad that I don’t have a relationship with him. I also am relieved I don’t need to deal with his foul disrespect that is so contrary to the truths I and others tried to instill in Him from God’s Word since the day he was born. He has made a choice and I respect that choice. However, I will also not be opening my door wide should he want to return home. He is an adult and has made choices, and should circumstances change that make it hard for him to live with those choices, they will be his to deal with. While I hope and pray that someday he turns back to God, and maybe would desire a relationship with me, there will still be boundaries, as there should be in ANY relationship.

Is that unconditional love? Maybe so. I will always love him and cherish the good, funny, silly memories. I won’t regret the sacrifices I made to advocate for him and push him to be all I believed he could be. He has scorned that and has taken the easy, lazy path in life, but I doubt that will continue because those who have catered to allow him that path will someday no longer be there. I will not enable that kind of life, so coming to me for rescue at that point will be denied.

I will still love him but I recognize that allowing him to take advantage of me is not the way to win back his love or in his best interests.

God is our heavenly Father and yes, of course He loves the individual people He specifically designed and created. He also has allowed all of us to make decisions and choices to follow Him or not and He allows us to take those paths and face those consequences. There are consequences,  good and bad, to following or not following Him.

The Holy Spirit, whom He has given to be our guide will withdraw from providing comfort and leading when we are intentioanlly sinning against God, or worse, denying Him and His power. The Spirit can be grieved. Even God withdrew from Israel when they sinned and was silent allowing them to live the life they chose and face those consequences without a rescue until He deemed they were ready.

So is unconditional love a myth or reality? We can love, but to love well is to be honest, speaking the truth in love, working through conflict to resolution and restoration of relationships. Love that continues to foster sin in the guise of being unconditional love, is really not love at all because love desires what is best for the beloved, even when that means confronting them of their sin and providing consequences. Permissiveness is not love and nothing God has ever done promotes that kind of relationship.

God loves completely. It grieves His heart when people chose to abandon Him. It must break His heart when they make that decision because there is an unpardonable sin. Blaspheming the Holy Spirit, denying God’s power, and refusing to repent. It’s not that God doesn’t want that individiual to repent, however, the consequences is they cannot be in His presence or spend eternity with the Creator of the Universe.

This is just and it is right.

I had a philosophy professor tell me that he was going to challenge God to His face and be entered into Heaven. That kind of arrogance God despises and it is delusional to think that professor would prevail against the Holy Perfect Soveriegn God who created him. Unless he repents he will be seperated from God for eternity in Hell, filled with torment.

So, is love unconditional or not? I can hold love for people because of who God created them to be but that doesn’t put a rubber stamp on sin, or prevent me from calling it out. Those who love me will do the same and because of their love, tested over time, I can accept and appreciate that reproval when it comes because it comes out of love.

For many, love is the myth, never mind the unconditional part. Love is not just words but actions and it is not always a fuzzy sweet emotion. Love is expressed in a relationship, and when that relationship is severed, doesn’t love demand reconcilation? That would be a conditon, right?

I’ve kind of meandered here, but it’s my blog so I ‘m allowed to do that.

What do you think about the myth of unconditional love? Is it a myth? God’s love never fails but as for us sin-tainted humans it does. I’d like to hear your thoughts.

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Love

Feb10
Reading Time: 6 minutes

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Love

I suppose I should first address the big issue: is love even an emotion? According to Google AI it is. Strong affection at the least but in many ways, love is more a verb, it involves acting, regardless of feelings. So we will consider it as an emotion, and given that Valentine’s Day is this week, I figured it was a good time to ponder this topic. I guess as an author who writes romance, this probably should have been the first emotion I tackled, oh well!

Love is that feel good emotion, so how could that be dangerous? Well, when strong feelings of love are not reciprocated, it could result in the person becoming obsessed with trying to make someone love them. That kind of love is idolatry and coveting, both sins God instructed us to avoid.

In 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a, there is an interesting guidepost to true love which was exemplified in Jesus.

Love is patient, love is kind.
Love does not envy, is not boastful, is not conceited,
does not act improperly, is not selfish, is not provoked,
and does not keep a record of wrongs.
Love finds no joy in unrighteousness but rejoices in the truth.
It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never ends.

Now many of us cannot honestly say we are perfect at this love thing. Strong affection though, when it is truly love, should be a model of Jesus to the object of love. That’s why a man and a woman, two distinct individuals from different backgrounds, jobs, temperaments, giftedness, traumas, successes, growth in faith, preferences…. you get the drift — will commit to loving their spouse for a lifetime. While love may be an emotion and can be directed at a spouse, a child, a friend, other family members, or in some cases even food or a movie…it involves action. Sometimes in spite of emotion.

A quick note about romance and love in fiction. I write romance. As a genre the requirement is a happily-ever-after ending. I am aware that life is full of challenges but when writing that kind of story the goal is to leave people with a happy feeling. Other authors, Nicolas Sparks for instance, since many know his work, doesn’t write romance. He writes love stories which inevitably involve loss and tears at some point. Granted, true life is filled with highs and lows…as far as fiction goes, it is where you end the story.

So what do we have with Jesus? We have the happily-ever-after, although if the story had ended at the crucifixion – it would have only been a love story of epic proportions. We get the happily-ever-after ending with Him in heaven regardless of how we depart this planet. Unless you reject Jesus, then your story ends in tragedy.

Love is hard. When one loves deeply, one grieves deeply. Love is also involved in attachment so it makes sense that one can love a dog, or a home, or a great book. We have a fondness, tenderness, and warmth toward something. We had a senior dog, Benji, who was with us for only eighteen months but he had issues we weren’t aware of when we adopted him that included: dementia, incontinence in the house, focal seizures, and an uninhibited bite response. He was so cute, soft, affectionate,and devoted to me. He was difficult to care for and make sure he didn’t bite anyone. When he unexpectedly bit me, that was the limit. A dog that bites is a liability. We had to be put him down. Part of me was relieved because he was such a pain in the neck in many ways, in spite of that sweet face and devotion. When we put him down, I was stoic, but later, I bawled. I kept looking for him everywhere. I loved him. I was patient, kind, and I bore with his idiosyncracies that come with adopting an old dog. I had invested in him and he had no idea that he even bit me or that it was wrong to do so. He sat there wagging his tail waiting for attention. Even writing this, years later, makes me want to cry and we’ve had to say good-bye to three other senior dogs since that time. Thinking about any of them will make me miss them and sad that we had to make that decision.

This is even harder with a person who is ailing. Dementia, birth defects, trajedies can change our lives and the emotion of love is not longer in control. Yes, we feel affection but it can be at war with despair, depression, and physical fatigue. Yet those who truly love, care for that person regardles of those issues, even when it is hard, hurts, and creates a burden or inconvenience.

See how complicated love is? True love lasts beyond the emotion. Sometimes acting loving can help us get back there to the feeling.

Both my husband and I came from verbally abusive first marriages and it left us wondering how well we could love another person after all of that. We obviously had the affection part down but we were old enough to know that emotions are fickle. “Do I even know how to love?” he asked me a few times. Yes, he does. He shows it to me not only in words but deeds. He provides a secure home for me, he treats me kindly, sometimes buys flowers for me “just because.” He cares about what concerns me.  He’s the one who graciously has agreed to adopt those old dogs even though their deaths wounded our souls deeply. Now we have younger dogs so hopefully we don’t have to make those kinds of decisions for a long time.

So how could love be dangerous? It can be dangerous if we are loving someone who is abusive and refuses to get help, or change. People with certain mental illnesses need love (don’t we all?) but would never make a good partner due to their illness. Love needs boundaries because we should have some affection for ourselves as well.

Boundaries are why we train our children not to run into the road without looking both ways among many other lessons. Love encourages the best of someone else but that does not mean approving or accepting abuse or sin. We will get angry with anyone we have a long term relationship with, however, it isn’t abuse if there is honest sharing of emotions. It is abuse when there is belittling, name-calling, contempt, bitterness, and put-downs.

Love without boundaries is dangerous and not really love. We should never blankly accept the terrible things someone might try to do to us. When my dad was on hospice, struggling mentally after having an extremely rare brain tumor removed, he could at times be mean. It had to be frustrating to him to not understand all that was happening or even recognize the people trying to care for him, even if they were his children. One day he got a bit snippy with my mom and she told him he needed to behave. He never acted out that way again. If he gave me any trouble, I would tell him mom would be angry and he’d comply with the plan. Once in a moment of clarity toward the end, he even thanked my mom for taking good care of him.

I love my dad and writing that made me cry. That’s love. I still have deep affection for a man who no longer walks on this earth. I admire the love my mom showed him by her actions even when it was a huge sacrifice.

Love as an emotion is dangerous when someone decides they no longer love someone anymore because they don’t feel that way. We can’t always let emotions be the litmus test for a relationship. I had a difficult time with two of my three kids as they grew up, and I still loved them during that time when they were not very loveable. Babies are cute and snuggly and easy to love, but some parents have to love one who cries all night and day, or won’t sleep, or has serious medical issues that sap every ounce of life from them. Love can and should prevail because it is almost as close to life as anything else during those times.

I’ve rambled here and it’s tugged my heartstrings so I suppose next week I’ll talk about grief.

Something else to think about though. God loves us and created you and me. Even when we wouldn’t acknowledge Him, Jesus died on the cross to bridge the gap of sin that seperated us from a holy and perfect LORD. “For God so loved the world…” I’m reading in the Old Testament right now and God’s longsuffering toward the nation of Israel is amazing to behold. He loved them even when He needed to allow, or force, negative consequences for their sins. God loved with boundaries, but His devotion never failed because LOVE never ends.

1 John 14 states: We love because He first loved us. When we are connected to the ultimate source of love, it becomes easier to love others.

The dangerous emotion of love is a deep subject and I’ve only scratched the surface. Remember that God’s love is better than any human love and should be the ONE we seek to love first before anyone or anything else. That’s hard for us fickle emotional humans to do.

 

Author Confessions: Limits to Freedom of Speech

Jul1
Reading Time: 6 minutes

Author Confessions: Limits to Freedom of Speech

As we head into another United States of America Independence Day I was pondering freedom. We have many freedoms in the USA and one of them is freedom of speech. However, there are limitations to this, especially in the Christian publishing industry.

Universal Limitations

  • Lyrics. Not just anything can go on the printed page. Some are universal for all publishing. For instance, I cannot print lyrics from a song without permission from that songwriter and the music publisher. The exception is if it is public domain. That means the origin of the song has to be at least 95 to 120 years and no one owns the intellectual property rights. Most old hymns and Christmas carols fall into this category. However, if one is writing contemporary fiction newer songs cannot be referenced via lyrics in the narrative of a book, not even if you are giving credit. This becomes a legal issue that one has to be careful about.
  • Slander. One has to be very careful about writing about real people and telling real stories. Unless permission is granted the author and publisher could be liable for charges of slander if someone mentioned in a book feels that their reputation is ruined or declares that the words written by him or her are not true. That’s a tricky road to walk because we all have our own interpretation of events that have happened in our lives. But what if my perception of events is not viewed the same way by someone who has offended me? Unless there is a decided legal case which convicts someone of a specific crime, any thing else could be suspect. This is what happened when Amber Heard wrote an article stating she was the victim of abuse. While she never named her ex-husband, Johnny Depp, most people understood that was who she was talking about and he lost work due to that. The court found that she was liable for slander. Freedom of speech did not protect her from saying negative things even though she didn’t even mention his name. I’ve read some books where it was easy to find the name of the person being talked about and I often wondered if that wouldn’t have opened up the author (and publisher) to charges of slander, even if the statements were true. In one case, I discovered the person written about was a public figure (both were) and had moved to a new market and when the book  released went on a drinking binge costing him public humiliation and losing his job. Ouch. This book was written by a Christian. While much of that autobiography was instructive and helpful to me as a reader, there was a cringe factor in how it exposed her ex-husband. This is often why I’ve suggested to some that writing their story, heavily veiled, in fiction, might be safer.

Christian Limitations

The Christian market has more unique limitations that involve not including foul language, no disparaging remarks about God, no drinking or drug use portrayed positively and without consequences, no sex outside of marriage and definitely no sexual encounter described in detail on the page. Any evil act needs to be seen as such so there is no glorification of murder, abuse, theft, lying etc. This is what makes Christian fiction “clean” for the reader.

When I stared writing I wanted to have books that I wouldn’t be afraid of my children picking up. A creative writer can tell a great story without explicit sin. A great story shouldn’t need a detailed sex-scene because that only titillates the reader and could lead them into sin.

Christian publishing houses might have further restrictions on what they will or will not allow and the author needs to heed those limitations or he or she won’t be published.

Liability

It is difficult for writers to be insured to protect against liability. Most authors don’t carry insurance for this because we don’t make enough to cover the expense. That’s just the brutal truth. There are few companies that even offer this. We often want to share personal stories and write about hard truths but we need to be careful to not be so specific that we could be accused of slander. Even using the name of a company in our book, or a restaurant could be a problem. Many of us do put stuff in there, and as long as it is used in a positive light, it shouldn’t be an issue.

Off the Page

Even outside of the books themselves there are things writers are not to discuss. We are not to tell others about our contracts (at least not publicly on social media) or issues we might be having with a publisher or agent. Most of those things need to be dealt with privately. Now if there is a publisher doing horrible things than giving warning to others against that publisher/agent/editor/author might be necessary but not in a public way lest it be considered slander. For instance, if someone asks publicly about a particular publisher or editor, anyone who has a negative view would be better served to privately share that information.

Organizers of conferences will share amongst themselves if they come across unethical actions by publishers, agents, editors, or authors, as a way to protect the conferees. The attendees are not informed of those who have done wrong, at least not publicly. The only exception might be if someone were to do something that became public. Examples might be: inappropriate touching, sexual immorality, illegal activities, or something like that might become known and published in a local paper, or even a market publishing magazine. Once it is public then it is no longer private. Actions might also include the author losing his reputation, his books might be pulled by the publisher, and he or she will be persona-non-grata at conferences. Not that there couldn’t be restoration and forgiveness. God does forgive sin! We are to forgive. But oftentimes there needs to be repentance and possibly space for healing before that individual might be allowed to serve in any of those capacities again.

There have even been instances, in Christian publishing, where a well-known personality plagiarized an entire work of fiction by another lesser-known Christian author. How painful and wrong! I hope she was able to get justice as she probably didn’t have a ton of financial resources to fight for her rights.

This is no different than in the church itself. The Christian publishing community is small and we are still the body of Christ and maybe there isn’t a denomination ruling over most of us, there is a desire to honor God in all we do, on and off the pages of any book.

This really is a desire to heed Matthew 18: 15-17. “If your brother sins against you, go and rebuke him in private. If he listens to you, you have won your brother. But if he won’t listen, take one or two more with you, so that by the testimony of two or three witnesses every fact may be established. If he pays no attention to them, tell the church. But if he doesn’t pay attention even to the church, let him be like an unbeliever and a tax collector to you.” (HCSB)

Freedom In Christ

As Christians, we face limitations are found in our daily lives. Most are designed for our good! Not rules and regulations, although some might boil the Christian life to that. Rather as we seek to honor God with our gifts and the calling to write, we want to also honor the boundaries He provides. Those same boundaries are reflected in the books we write (or should be if we are to be called “Christian”). This isn’t done out of a need to earn approval but out of a personal relationship with Jesus. Out of the grace He has bestowed on us to be children of God, and in order to not grieve the Holy Spirit that indwells us as believers, we seek to write in a way that would bring glory and honor to HIM first, and hopefully uplift and entertain the reader with truths found in Scripture, whether explicitly stated or not.

True Freedom

As we celebrate our freedoms as a nation, there are still limits to freedom of speech, even outside of the Christian publishing industry. Yet we do have so many freedoms. We can disagree politically, or even have discussions about different theological ideologies we might not agree on. Hopefully all we do as those who follow Christ will also be tempered with the freedom we have to share the sweet truths of His word, because He is the ultimate hope and foundation that this nation was founded on.

 

 

Author Confessions: Margins Aren’t Just for Books

Feb5
Reading Time: 5 minutes

When you open the page of a book you see some white space all around the area where words are. Those are margins. When authors submit a book we request a one inch margin all around the pages and double-spaced. They are far easier to read and edit. If the margins are small, it creates stress in the mind of the reader.

In 1995, I stumbled upon the writings of Dr. Richard A Swenson who wrote Margin: Restoring Emotional, Physical, Financial, and Time Reserves to Overloaded Lives. Taking that concept of margins on a page, he applies it to the way we write, and live, our daily lives. Packing our days to the gills as it were, can cause physical stress and illness.

I’ve had a tendency to be a work-a-holic, even when I was a stay-at-home mom. My one escape? Reading. Books became my space in the challenges of raising kids. Eventually, that turned into writing. One day, I was writing and really enjoying the moment and all of a sudden looked up and saw it was 3:00 p.m. My kids’ school ended at a 3!  I called the school to tell them I would be late, got my little girl. I drove us to school which was in town at least fifteen minutes away.

When I showed up my middle Hobbit said, “Where were you?”

I sheepishly admitted: “I was writing.”

His response was brilliant. “Maybe you should set an alarm.”

After that I did. I never missed a pickup.

My kids are all grown now and life has taken many twists and turns since I started writing all those years ago, but I still strive to have margin. Making time to do everything we “should” do is tough. Keeping a budget, paying bills, work out, medical appointments, friendships, church, spending time with God (that should be first), getting enough sleep, maybe a hobby, date night, laundry… are all important. Are you exhausted yet?

I’ve intentionally tried to live a slower-paced life. I am a homemaker first. We also have an LLC that requires attention. I am a writer and editor but I can’t easily work a 40-hour-week with all my responsibilities.

I like a plan and I don’t especially like change. It’s easier when I initiate it. Life doesn’t give us warnings though. God sometimes lets life happen and we are forced to roll with the punches.

I realized last year I had been experiencing increasing heel pain. Having gone through that before with my other foot, I wasn’t smart enough to make an appointment earlier to get that taken care of. My husband learned he would need a major surgery, so I pushed to get this done. Healing doesn’t always go according to schedule,

Then my Youngest Hobbit decided she’d like to move back home till she heads off to college in the fall. Add a friend as well. That meant in addition to everything else on my plate we had to set up rules and expectations (they pay rent and need to attend church in person every week), but I also had clean out two rooms and part of the basement where they would have a place to hang out and watch television without being forced to be with us older folks. Having them here is a total delight and worth the hard work it took on my part to make it happen. I did have them do some of the heavy lifting. Still, it cut into my margins–and my work.

A few days ago, we learned my husband’s surgery got moved up due to him needing another operation six weeks later. The next morning, I learned my physical therapy needed to be extended. Cue the stress as I try to figure out how to handle all his appointments, keep seeing a physical therapist for my own foot pain, exercise, and doing my stretches daily, keep feeding us, keeping the house clean, oh, and maybe get some marketing and writing done? Add to that staying on top of all his medical appointments before and after surgery as he’ll need me to keep him on track so he can heal well. I just wanted to cry.

And I did.

I do well at getting to bed at a reasonable hour, a habit I cultivated long before I had kids. I’m still making my work-outs a priority as well as my quiet times. I’m making an intentional effort at staying connected to friends. I try to shut down from my work by 4 pm so I can prepare a meal for our family and the rest of the night is usually spent relaxing which is when I try to embroider, unless we decide to play some games, all of which are great ways to relax.

I still get stressed and overwhelmed and need to remind myself of one major truth I learned from Nancy Leigh DeMoss Wolgemuth in her book, Lies Women Believe and the Truth That Sets Them Free.  This one was so important that I keep coming back to it. The lie: There are not enough hours in the day to get my work done. Truth: If that’s the case then maybe I’m not doing the work God has given me to do.

Ouch.

We put money in savings and I have space on my walls for more memories, but time is a much more valuable asset we can never retrieve once it’s gone. I’ve always tried to beat deadlines– again that provides margin. I leave for events early–another margin.

There are days when emotions make it difficult to accomplish anything creative, but I’m learning that I can rest on those days. That’s not being lazy. My body and my emotions tell me I need margin. I don’t need to function at 100% all the time. Even a fine-tuned engine doesn’t do well running 24/7, what makes me think I can do that?

Life is hard, even for writers. I long to do more writing. I have projects I’m eager to work on, but right now, I need to prioritize and do the best I can and give myself grace. Ultimately, I listen to God as He guides me into what I need to do next. The rest will wait. There are projects I’d like to do around the house, and they will wait. Somehow things get done eventually, and that’s a miracle in and of itself. Definitely not because I’m great at this.

So why did I write this? Because, I’m guessing that many of you struggle with the chaos that sometimes visits and upends our lives. If we have a healthy margin we have room to bleed into without sacrificing our health and well-being. Yes, it might be difficult. It might be emotionally challenging, but if we have space to bleed into and other things can be set aside, we’ll come out the other end in a much better place as God uses the challenges to refine us more and more into the image of His Son.

What you have you learned in the pages of your life that help you keep a healthy margin? Or is this something you need to work on? I’d love to hear your perspective.