Tag Archive | depression

Author Confessions: Smiling Depression

Oct6
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Author Confessions: Smiling Depression

I haven’t written about depression for some time and for those who don’t deal with it, it can be hard to explain how it can hit for no particular reason.

When a doctor first suggested I had depression, I told her I didn’t. I decided to make a chart with a line in the center and for a month marked my moods for the day above the line (happy) or  below (sad) or maybe even right on the line – neither. When I finished I returned to my doctor and agreed to try medication. Medication helped a lot.

When I told my pastor who was also my boss at the time, he said, “Nah, you don’t have depression.” And many people who would know me would be surprised because I don’t go moping around.

A depressed person may not appear depressed. We’ve learned over time that many people don’t care if you’re down and we  can’t always explain why. Instead we smile.

Circumstances can lead to depression. When your car dies, and you lose your job and the rent is due, that helplessness can become depression. When the situations resolve themselves the depression eases.

Getting stuck in grief is a complicated thing because depression, and all kind of emotions swirl around with memories, regrets, and helplessness. We can’t bring that person back. The loss can be deep and hard to move past. However, that sadness doesn’t need to stay all-consuming although it can sure mess us up for a while.

Depression is not caused by a lack of faith, however, willful, sinful choices can result in depression as inside we know these things are a violation of God’s plan for us. Confessing our sin to God (and others when appropriate) and changing our ways can help. We have a gracious and forgiving God.

Smiling depression is more covert. A smile covers the interior. That is hard to fix if one doesn’t have a compassionate, understanding person willing to listen and validate the pain. To encourage–not fix. Medication and therapy can help. Even with a degree in counseling and life going generally well, I still see my therapist on a regular basis. I’m not fond of the copays but it is an investment in myself and helps in all areas of my life. Depression, anxiety, stress can contribute to other health issues so talking with someone who knows me and can encourage or help me see things differently, helps.

When I’m depressed I write in my journal. I pray. I try to sing. I hug my dog a little tighter (he’s not a fan of that but he puts up with me!). I acknowledge the depression (even if only to myself and God) and try to not let myself simmer and stew in it. I give myself permission to cry. Making plans to be with others even if I’d rather curl up and sleep, helps too. Helping someone, listening to them, can also help. I’ve learned that when depression hits, I am not without tools to help me get through the darkness.

Of course, that depends on how dark it is.

I stay in God’s word daily to help me keep focused on the One who loves me. I love the Psalms because David went through periods of depression too and poured out his heart and helplessness to the One who created and called him. He often turned to praising that very same God who walks through the darkeness with us.

Depression can hit from any angle and sadness doesn’t need to stay forever. I remind myself of this truth: This too shall pass.

When I was free from an destructive marriage, many people came up to me and told me that I looked happier. Stress, helplessness, depression, all dimmed that smile but it wasn’t noticeable until those things had passed. Only those who know me really well can tell when the smile doesn’t reach my eyes.

Some people struggle much worse than I do, but the reality is, we all struggle with things at times and those burdens are not always shared online. Sometimes the most devestating ones are, or the high points. The reality is, most of us live somewhere in between. Be kind to everyone as often as you can, because you simply don’t know what they’re going through behind the smile.

 

Author Confessions: Do You Want to Get Well? (Secondary Gains)

Mar24
Reading Time: 8 minutes

Author Confessions: Do You Want to Get Well? (Secondary Gains)

I was reading John 5 and came across this story of Jesus and it led me to write this post. First, the full story:

After this, a Jewish festival took place, and Jesus went up to Jerusalem. By the Sheep Gate in Jerusalem there is a pool, called Bethesda in Hebrew, which has five colonnades. Within these lay a large number of the sick—blind, lame, and paralyzed [—waiting for the moving of the water,  because an angel would go down into the pool from time to time and stir up the water. Then the first one who got in after the water was stirred up recovered from whatever ailment he had].

One man was there who had been sick for 38 years. When Jesus saw him lying there and knew he had already been there a long time, He said to him, “Do you want to get well?”

“Sir,” the sick man answered, “I don’t have a man to put me into the pool when the water is stirred up, but while I’m coming, someone goes down ahead of me.”

“Get up,” Jesus told him, “pick up your mat and walk!” Instantly the man got well, picked up his mat, and started to walk.

I was struck by the question Jesus asked, “Do you want to get well?” It would seem to be a ridiculous question, after all, who wouldn’t want to get well?

I’ve ministered with people with chronic health issues, including mental health issues. Chronic issues, like the man in this story, are sometimes visible, and many times invisible.

Who wouldn’t want to get well if they were sick in any way? Especially if one is suffering horrible deficits in the ability to function?

Sometimes the disability is more rewarding than being physically or emotionally whole. It may not even be a physical situation. We have an entire subgroup in our culture that revels in being victims of anything they can think of. Yes, adulting is hard, I get that. But when a person persists in the behavior that perpetuates the position of victim, then they are doing that due to secondary gains such as attention and being absolved of responsibilty.

Now, I am not stating there are not real victims in this world. There are and they should be cared for and assisted to climb out of whatever pit they are in, so they can deal with the reality before them. We rescue victims from a car crash and render aid, but sometimes the physical consequences can go on beyond that, with pain or subsequent surgeries. The individual has a choice in their attitude: be helpless and whiny or move forward, even in spite of the pain, to live the best life they can within their limitations.

Someone who is paralyzed doesn’t need to stay helpless. Consider Joni Tada. She went through a phase of depression and helplessness after she was paralyzed,  but eventually through the power of Christ and a supportive family, she emerged from that to live a powerful life that impacts disabled people around the world. She has written countless books, sung, and painted. She has endured pain issues and cancer along with the need to be dependent on her husband and other caregivers. In spite that, and a desire to be healed, she has made the most of her physical limitations and praises God in spite of it.

If Jesus came to her and asked, “Do you want to get well?” She would answer, “Yes, LORD!” Her complete healing will most likely not come till she is with Him in Paradise.

There are people who are resistant to getting well. They get something out it. That is called secondary gains.

What would someone get that they would want to cling to? Attention from others, sympathy, maybe care, or financial support. Perhaps they like the exuses not to work or participate in the activities others engage in. There is a sickness in wallowing in that pain that in a twisted way makes them feel special.

I’ve been a victim in the past. I’ve struggled to move past abuse that left me feeling helpless to change. I finally realized that I couldn’t do anything to change that situation but I could change how I reacted to it. I could move from the “poor me” and the sympathy I received into a freedom and dependance on God that helped transform me so that when God was ready to “heal” my circumstances, I was able to move into that  freedom.

Look at someone like Johnny “Joey” Jones who lost both his legs while serving our country. From what little I can gather, he is in constant pain. Yet, when I see him on FOX, he tackles his disablity with humor and grace. He wrote a book celebrating others who have overcome: Unbroken Bonds of Battle: A Modern Warriors Book of Heroism, Patriotism, and Friendship. Or Benjamin Hall who was injured and lost his legs as well, who has gone on to write two books, Saved and  Resolute. I haven’t read any of these yet but would like to at some point. Benjamin  was told he would be in the hospital for two years recovering but was home in six months. Both he and Jones have suffered horrible physical and psychological trauma, yet have had the courage to move past it instead of staying “sick”. That took a lot of courage, pain, and perseverance as well as leaving behind the care and support they received while in the worst of their suffering.

Do you want to get well?

When I struggled with Hashimoto’s disease, it took years before I got accurately diagnosed. I was told it was no wonder I was overweight. Nothing I could do would change that until I go my thyroid under control. The problem is, even once the thyroid is functioning properly doesn’t mean that the weight melts off. It was a long process of detoxing heavy metals and undergoing other natural treatments that finally led me to be in remission. Now, if I’m tired, I can’t blame my thyroid. I’ve struggled to lose weight and I’ve tried a lot of various ways and have made some progress over the years. I’m more comfortable in my skin now and am more attuned to my body. I could have stayed heavy and and a victim of an autoimmune disease that modern medicine says can’t be cured. I’m not where I would like to be but I’m slowly getting there. I could have spent the rest of my life fat and tired based on what modern medicine could tell me, and be on pills for that for the rest of my life.

I am aware of some people who cannot even admit they are sick, psychologically speaking. Yet, sometimes it is the emotional stuff that holds us back more than the physical. Depression can lead to self-medication and isolation which only fuels the depression. It takes courage and vulnerability to face what is underlying that, perhaps thyroid, or a genetic predisposition, negative messaging, or even trauma. The easy but miserable thing to do is nothing but remain a victim to the dark moods that accompany that and maybe get some sympathy, pity, and help with maintaining life. I’m not minimzing the power of depression, but it can be brutally painful to face the demons that plague us while sitting across from a safe person to work through the underlying thoughts and actions that are perpetuating it. And maybe even chosing to take medication to help.

Do you want to get well? 

What Jesus gave the man at the pool an action to take. “Get up,” Jesus told him, “pick up your mat and walk!” 

The man could have whined and cried about how he could not walk. But he took action. Jesus didn’t pull him to his feet. Jesus wanted to see if the man had faith to obey. And the man did. I can’t imagine how odd that must have felt to have the energy to move himself, rise to his feet and then bend over to pick up his mat and walk away. We don’t know what kind of illness he had but he couldn’t even get to the pool by himself. The new reality was now he was healed which meant he would need to take responsiblity for every aspect of his life, which after 38 years would have been a shock. He would need to work and not be dependant on others to do everything for him.

Sometimes blaming everyone else for your misfortune (and getting sympathy) is a secondary gain because you avoid having to look at your own behaviors and change the way you live and perhaps repent of bad choices.

Pursuing health, whether it is financial, physical, emotional, spiritual… sometimes means leaving the familiar behind and reaching forward into the unknown. Healing isn’t always a straight path up out of the pit (My novel Pesto and Potholes considers that). Ditching old behaviors and learning new ones is not always easy and sometimes it is painful. Striving forward and pursuing something better, can take time and be discouraging but is worth doing in the long run.

Do you want to get well? 

Would you give up all the excuses and be willing to embrace a fuller life? If Jesus asked you the question what would you say? “Yes, but…” That’s what the man in the story did. If God shows you where you need to work to make a change, would you obey, get up, pick up your mat, and do it?

One last quick funny story. Probably 30 years ago now, I hurt my left knee when I missed a step going downstairs while carring an object weighing about 50 lbs. I was supposed to sing at church that Sunday but could barely walk or drive. I told the production team I would need to sing from the floor as I couldn’t manage the stairs. Saturday night I got a call from my friend Jeff, who said, “This is weird, but I believe God is telling me to come and pray for your knee to be healed.” I told him he could come over but I secretly doubted anything would change. He brought his daughter and prayed for my knee. He left, I went to bed. The next morning I woke up and my knee was healed, although my calf was in pain from the strain of that injury. When I saw him at church I told him next time I’d have him pray for the whole leg, not just the knee!

The reality is, I believed in God. Jeff obeyed what seemed like a ridiculous leading from the Holy Spirit. I wasn’t about to say no because, of course, I wanted to be well! It was obedience, more than faith that it would really happen, that God wanted from both of us. That Sunday I was able to climb the steps to the stage to sing.

If I had said no I would have been in pain, sang from the floor, but received a lot of attention, and concern for my pain. Instead, I was able to resume life normally, and give God the glory for what He had done. All these years later I’ve never had an experience like that. But if someone says healing is not a gift God uses in this day, my experience says otherwise. Healing may not be an “all the time” gift but one that God reserves for the moments He chooses.

Do you want to get well? Where are you struggling and perhaps getting attention for? Have you allowed yourself to remain a victim? This is not easy stuff and might require you to use new muscles to move toward healing and it might even hurt along the way. When we walk with God and He leads us, it is well worth the journey to ditch the secondary gains we get from being sick or stuck, and truly be  as well as we can be while living on this earth.

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotions of Ambivalence and Apathy

Mar10
Reading Time: 4 minutes

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Ambivalence and Apathy

Two emotions in one post? I must be crazy. However these are probably not emotions often talked about and I think I can handle a two-for-one special today!

Ambivalence

The dangerous emotion of ambivalence is a contradictary mix of emotions: love/hate, caring/disinterest. Some of this is a natural by product of any relationship. We can deeply love someone but also hate certain things they do even if they are not sin. That might be a decision we disagree with, or political posture they take (this can be hard in the USA!). This can end up with one emotion growing larger than the other and this is where the danger comes, when it swings one way or the other.

Scripture teaches that love never fails or love conquers all depending on the translation (1 Cor 13). 1 Peter 4:8 states: “Above all, maintain an intense love for each other, since love covers a multitude of sins.” Woah. Love covering sin is having an attitude of forgiveness. Love in action forgives sin, especially in a relationship with another person. It not mean avoiding any acknowledgement of sin, not confronting sin, or allowing sinful acts to continue. If we truly love someone and value them as a person made in the image of God, we should confront sin.

Now I’m not saying we go around judging everyone (that moral high ground again) but when we see sinful patterns it is good to discuss those and bring them out in the open and even get to the root of the issue that might be underneath. Good counseling can help in many instances. Get help alone (not couples therapy) if there is verbal/emotional/financial/physical abuse or a narcissitic spouse. Ambivalence is dangerous when in cases of abuse the love wins out over protecting oneself and getting help. I’m not promoting divorce. Don’t let let a false sense of love lead to unwise emotional or physical choices.

That “multitude of sins,” could also refer to quirks and idosyncracies we all have whether we want ot admit it or not. My husband will ask why I’m so kind to him. I tell him that if I ever get upset or irritated when he does something that is just “him” and it is not sin, I remember that this personality that makes up the man I married, is who God made him to be. I need to realize that and accept him as he is. Not necesesarily ambivialence, although maybe in that moment until I adjust my attitude to be one of love. Now, if he really is getting on my nerves or is going to far (he loves to joke around) I let him know. He has to adjust to my quirks and moods as well.

Ambivalence isn’t as dangerous as it is a signal that perhaps we need to figure out why and work our way back to the more positive emotions. The danger in the emotion of ambivalence is if we allow it to continue for a long period of time.

Apathy

The dangerous emotion of apathy is marked by a lack of emotion. Detatchment. Not caring. No empathy. In many ways this seems worse than hatred. If I hate someone there is a strong emotion attached to it. I care, but am not happy about something the person did. If I’m apathetic, I don’t care at all. This should not be the case in close relationships as it undermines any sense of unity and love we would want in a healthy friendship or marriage.

Apathy, in the sense of detachment, might be necessary for emotional survival in the case of narcissitic/verbal/emotional/phyisical/financial abuse like I mentioned above. In this case it is a healthy way to protect oneself from someone who does not have our best interests at heart. This might end in cutting off a friendship, blocking or restricting someone on social media, or not sharing your life with that person if they are not “safe” for you. Not answering the phone or a text. When someone has abused or in other ways broken trust, detatchment may be the healthiest thing to do. As long as you can do that without harboring emotions of resentment or hatred toward that person. Let them go and let God deal with them.

In many ways apathy is the saddest of the emotions because it is an indication of the death of a connection to another person.

Side note: Depression can result in apathy so be careful not to just cut off a relationship if you struggle with depression and you are unable to parse out whether your lack of interest is due to the “blues” or something is wrong in the relationship. When a depressed person experiences apathy it is usually more universal – a disinterest in anything, even things that used to bring pleasure. Unfortunately, ongoing abuse can result in the depression and apathy and it is helpful to get wise counsel to resolve that so you can experience the nicer emotions in life like love, joy, hope, and peace.

The danger in apathy is when you haven’t given a relatively health relationship a chance. Sometimes, however, it is healthier to embrace the apathy as a way to move forward in life without the pain of loss, grief, sorrow, that can accompany a person who has cut of a relationship with you. Grieve it, yes. Evaluate yourself for any wrongdoing, absolutely, but then move on in freedom. Don’t let those regrets over the past that you cannot resolve in the present, hinder you from living life to the fullest.

Have you had challenges with the dangerous emotions of ambivalence or apathy? How have you dealt with either of those?

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Grief

Feb17
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Author Confessions: The Dangerous Emotion of Grief

I mentioned last week in my post on the dangerous emotion of love that those who love deeply, feeling a depth of affection for someone, grieve deeply.

Grief, as opposed to love, is that not so good feeling that can weigh us down. It can combine regrets, anger, and even in some cases relief.

Relief? When there is a long illness and a lot of medical issues, doctor appointments, bills, or difficult decisions, then the end of those challenges along with the end of the suffering of a person we love, can result in relief. We still grieve as we miss them terribly but then wishing them to remain while in such depths of suffering is ultimately selfish, isn’t it? Not that we want to hasten death, but when it finally comes it is almost a welcome end for that individual who has suffered. And for those who suffered alongside them.

Elizabeth Kübler-Ross defined five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These are not necessarily linear going in order, nor do they have a time frame. The dangerous part is when someone gets stuck in the first four parts. Even with acceptance there is sorrow, sometimes deep gut-wrenching sorrow, but the individual can resume life without that person even though they will forever be missed and remembered. If you or someone you know is struggling with grief,  Grief Share is a powerful  ministry that helps people process their grief and loss so that they can move forward in life.

We can grieve more than just the death of an individual whether it be a spouse, child, grandparent, friend… We can grieve lost dreams, a pet, our health, a home, a break-up of a relationship that was dear to us, painful trauma from the past, the loss of innocence, and even our own sin. 2 Corinthians 7:10 states: “For godly grief produces a repentance not to be regretted and leading to salvation, but worldly grief produces death.”

Grief is a healthy emotion when we allow ourselves to express that through tears and talking about memories or regrets. It becomes dangerous when we try to numb the grief with alcohol, drugs, food, or sex, or perhaps something else. They are only temporary bandaids. Grief might expose other issues that need to be deal with like family-of-origin issues, abandonment, and coming to terms with our own mortality.

Grief can be held on to almost as a comfort as one might forget the person lost, or fear they will be dishonoring them by moving on with life. Choosing to be a victim of grief can be deblitating socially as well as emotionally, especially if the person was perhaps co-dependent on the one now gone. It can deeply wound a sense of identity and that may require counseling to wrestle through and define a new way of moving forward in life.

Grief can be dangerous when accompanied by trauma as well. Again, therpy, especially trauma-based therapy, might prove helpful.

Grief is complex and I am only giving a cursory glance at it here. If it is something you or someone you know are struggling with, get connected wtih Grief Share or a therapist who can help you move forward.

Those who have faith in Jesus will still grieve. Even Jesus wept at Lazarus’s grave, but was that for Lazarus or for those surrounding him who were grieving because they failed to see the Savior in their midst? 1 Thessalonians 4:13 states: “We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, concerning those who are asleep, so that you will not grieve like the rest, who have no hope.”

Whether we lose a person, a relationship or anything else, if we get stuck in grief we are failing to look to the Creator and Sustainer of life Who is always orchestrating everything according to His perfect will. Our suffering is temporary and no loss is without a greater purpose in His plans for us. 2 Corinthians 1:4 states: “He comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any kind of affliction, through the comfort we ourselves receive from God.” Now I confess that when I was in deeply painful situation that verse did not offer me comfort. Having said that, I have seen God use others and myself move past grief to purpose and multiple opportunities to be there to support others as they go through suffering.

Grief is a healthy emotion when expressed and worked through, often with some help and comfort from others. There is hope for those who walk with Jesus as the Holy Spirit is a comforter to us in our sorrows. The dangerous emotion of grief occurs when an individual gets stuck there, stuffs their emotions down, or self-medicates to forget. How have you dealt with grief? Have you struggled with this? What helped you most?

I explored the dangerous emotion of grief in my book Bratwurst and Bridges. 

Author Confessions: When Discouragement Hits Hard

Dec16
Reading Time: 2 minutes

Author Confessions: When Discouragement Hits Hard

I have struggled with depression pretty much all my life. Even with medication there are days when it can hit hard. Add winter in Wisconsin and the lack of sunshine, Seasonal Affective Disorder can get mixed up in there. I’ve learned to relax into that reality and make adjustments when the energy level sinks and my body indicates it needs more rest than activity, or conversely, needs connection more than isolation.

I had a challenging November. Somehow with lots of extra free form writing I managed to finish National Novel Writing month (Nanowrimo.org). Lots of words to be deleted from that document! The story wasn’t finished but I’m hoping that it will be soon so I can start working on the editing process.

Surgery for me the week before Thanksgiving, and then last Wednesday, surgery for my husband, makes for challenges to navigate.

With all the chaos of November, I didn’t get my December marketing done and I will confess I was discouraged with the reality that only one person who read my latest Christmas novella, I’ll be Gnome for Christmas, wrote a review. I did a Facebook live for the first time to promote the book—and no one showed up. I understand. We are all busy!

I have to do some reevaluating again… Why do I write? It is a calling I believe, but is it really having an impact in this crazy world? It’s not a financial boon in any way for our family. It is a sacrifice of discipline getting my butt in that chair and hands on a keyboard to come up with a story, and fashion characters out of thin air that hopefully will relate a message of hope and faith, and maybe even fun that will entertain and encourage a reader. Or show them a true, vital faith that can be theirs.

Obviously, I am writing this post on one of the lower days. Healing takes energy and can make me tired but that can compound the feelings of discouragement if not depression! And honestly, at the moment I’m writing this, I’m more discouraged than anything.

This isn’t a pity party. No one comes when anyone hosts those! I’m writing an honest confession that authors face. Discouragement. Does what I do matter? If I stopped writing stories would anyone care?

The better question I need to be really asking is: What is GOD calling me to do? After all, it’s only HIS opinion that matters. More than any and book reviews or sales are not any validation of HIS call when the work of the heart is something He is only aware of. And that, my friends, is only a question He can answer. Many of the people in Scripture who were following God’s lead faced these same issues.

How do handle it when discouragement hits hard? I’d love to hear about it.

Maybe this old song by Caroyn Arends will encourage you as it does me: https://youtu.be/mwWy-T8WWFo?si=IVzJ1lgbS7REz-xg

The Ups and Downs of Gratitude

Nov20
Reading Time: 5 minutes

It’s the week of Thanksgiving and many of us are already planning for Christmas. I’ll admit, my tree is up because I really cherish the ambiance of the light, and although the new LED’s can be a bit bright – it’s is better than the dark. We even got out outside stuff up, and mostly connected because I live in Wisconsin and who knows when the snow might come and it’s much easier to do when you only need a sweatshirt on and not your winter coat.

I’ve made it a practice for some time now to start my day with time with God and in my journal that always begins with “I’m grateful for…” And usually it’s a short list and it more about people than things. It used to be just names because the journal I used to use only had a small spot for that, but now that I’m using a blank journal I’m free to write as much as possible. Still, I keep it short. But now if I mention my husband I might list some of the aspects of who he is that blessed me especially, perhaps even the day before. For instance: silliness, hugs, I enjoy spending time with him, listening, encouraging… You get the idea. Sure I might even thank God for material blessings of a warm and safe home, or even something as basic (and important) as sunshine and food to eat. The possiblities are endless.

Often times I will do a longer list of names in my journal with specific prayer requests for those people–but again it is because I am grateful for them. Sometimes names appear of people I haven’t spoken to or connected with in a while. That gives me perhaps a reason to put them on my notepad nearby to call, email, message, or arrange a coffee date. As I grow older I’m recognizing that people and time with them, is important.

And yes, I do thank God for tasks I’m able to accomplish! Sometimes I get in my own way (thank you depression and ADHD) of accomplishing my long list of things to do.

All this can be a great way to start the day and have a more positive attitude. You’d think anyway.

Depression can still take the joy out of that even as I fight to not dwell on perhaps uncomfortable emotions that simmer underneath the surface and need to be dealt with. I’m still growing in my ability to do that. To sit with the hurt, anger, frustration, sorrow… Sure sometimes those emotions need a converstation, but I’m learning to go to God with those first. Sometimes I feel a desperate need to be comforted but have no desire for a conversation. Depression is a nasty bugger that way.

So I fight for gratitude, and joy. Daily. Because the natural bent of my personality is to be critical and focus on the negative. Part of that makes me a good editor, and made me a good therapist and leader. My goal was to help people solve their problems, help them by identifying what the problem is.

Ah, but the healer can’t heal herself.

When I worked in the mental health field in Milwaukee, years ago, I did mostly case management of chronically mentally ill people. Take depression and add 100% with other issues and we helped these adults function in the real world. They were on disability and my goal was to help them stay out of the hospital. Most of the time I did fairly well with this goal. At times I did one on on counseling with individuals.

One gal, I’ll call Wendy (not her real name) was seeing me. She was the client of another Case Manager. We met weekly for counseling and I had her keeping a journal of things she could be grateful for. I thought we were making progress in our sessions.

Then one day she didn’t show up. I tried calling. No answer. I checked with her Case Manager who reached out. No answer. Then we got the news. She had jumped from the window of her high rise apartment building. Obviously, she didn’t survive. Why did this come to me today of all days? I don’t remember for sure when she did this it was sooo long ago now. But I do remember the punch to the gut. I felt like a failure. What none of us had realized was buried way back in her chart, long before any of us had met her, she had suicide attempts. Sure, both her Case Manager and I were checking to see if she had any suicial ideation or plan, but those with chronic mental illness know what telling the truth about that will mean. Hospitalization.

I was a glutton for punishment. I attended the funeral. I was stunned when the priest spoke about how they found her gratitude journal and read some of the things she had been grateful for.

The journal I had asked her to write in.

All of those things that should make life worth living–didn’t keep her from making that final fatal choice.

Why? Even today I ask why? Maybe because we focus so much on the outward things to be grateful for and not the inner things. My own therapist said to me, at our last appointment, “Susan, I don’t think you give yourself credit for the things you do well.”

Pause.

Digest.

She was right. I don’t. Do you? It sounds selfish to focus on the things we are doing well, or perhaps even the things God allows us to do well, or the way we see Him using us in His perfect plan to help others.

This hit me today as I was doing my own “I’m grateful for.” Yes, as we head into Thanksgiving, take time to thank God for all He has done for you. But also thank Him for how He is working in you, and using you. It’s OK to brag on God’s work in your life! He created you, designed you, loves you, and delights in you! It’s acceptable to spend time reveling in that truth.

The gal I had counseled wasn’t a believer in Jesus Christ that I was aware of and I couldn’t share the gospel with her in that setting although many of my clients understood from the way I treated them, just how much I loved and served the Lord. But could refocusing that journal just a little bit, to help her see how wonderfully created she was by a God who loved her, have made a difference? I’ll never know.

I’m grateful God keeps teaching me new things. I pray He never stops and look forward to an eternity of learning and growing to love Him better. Perhaps this will help you. What things do you need to give yourself credit for? How is God growing you and using you? Perhaps this Thanksgiving, along with Thankging Him for the people around your table, or the food, and a warm home… spend time thanking Him for His work in and through you. It might make a difference.

Are you SAD? (Seasonal Affective Disorder)

Nov13
Reading Time: < 1 minute

As I’ve gotten older, I totally get why some people head south for the winter. I live in Wisconsin and have all my life and have no desire to set up a second home and circle of friends, however, I understand the reason.

We need sunshine. I broke my arm in February and it’s now November and my Vitamin D3 levels are still way too low in spite of lots of time in the sun. I realize some people enjoy a cloudy rainy day, but prefer sunshine.

I can see the beauty in the gloominess. Sometimes an early morning fog makes everything almost feel–sacred. I can appreciate the beauty in the cloudiness but I don’t like to live there. And I do love watching the snow fall. If it’s not 25 degrees below zero I’m not even opposed to doing a little shoveling or running the plow.

But too many gloomy days do depress me and I’ve been using a lamp that gives me some sunlight vibes every morning. And I’ll probably have the Christmas lights up before Thanksgiving to add more light and joy to my home.

How about you? Do you struggle with S.A.D. (Seasonal Affective Disorder)? What have you found that helps?

Seasons

Nov25

Reading Time: 4 minutesI was sitting in church yesterday and my mind was churning. All kinds of thoughts about how much things had changed in my life.

Many of those changes are good. Wonderful. A blessing. My hubby Ben is top of that list.

Some of them are to be grieved. Seasons pass and life changes. We change. 

Community Church Fond du Lac WI Women’s Worship Team at Ostoff 2006 (?)

I used to be the lead singer for a band. I had the confidence at that time. I used to oversee all the worship programming at a church in Menomonee Falls, WI, as a staff position. I used to be a worship leader… and it’s been years since I’ve sung on a worship team at church. Now that’s not totally the fault of anyone else because I’ve not submitted to an audition for a team. There are many reasons for that but the biggest one: I lack confidence. Every time I’ve sung at church in the past few years I received shocked comments: “I didn’t know you sang.” When I sing in front of others (or play guitar) I’m hypercritical and so worried about my “performance” and struggle because I want to be worshipping in “spirit and in truth.” I find I do that better from the congregation, holding my hubby’s hand. He loves to hear my voice and if only God and Ben hear me, I’m fine with that.

Jonah’s Vacation, late 1990’s Milwaukee WI

I’ve not been asked to speak at our Mother of Preschoolers (MOPS) group in years or any other event at church even though I have taught years of theology and even keynoted a women’s leadership conference at our church and possess a masters degree in Counseling Psychology. I coordinated MOPS and also led the Women’s Ministry for many years.

The fact is, if I promoted myself, I could probably speak at places – at my church and at others, or even sing, but one of the most vicious verbal beat-downs I ever received was from someone I looked up to in ministry. And it was all because I posted on Facebook about my writing, publishing, editing, speaking… you get the picture. Apparently, that made me evil, regardless of the fact that the most common things required of authors is to beef up their social media presence. I tried to a Matthew 18 kind of meet up for the purposes of reconciliation, but the person I had requested help from bailed on me. Time passed and I needed to accept that the perpetrator was someone I needed to disconnect from for my own health and well-being.

Now it feels like none of that happened. The band, the singing, the teaching… All gone in a poof of smoke known as…time. And I even fear doing too much self-promotion lest I encounter more abuse.

Oh, boo hoo. What a pathetic person I sound like!

Grief isn’t logical. I realized quickly that is exactly what I was doing – I was grieving. Grieving hits harder this time of year, sometimes out of the blue without me even realizing the date on the calendar. I should be able to predict it – but I guess I hope that maybe, just maybe, this year I’ll escape it.

I was wrong. But why do the above hit harder? It was all surface grief that covered over one major life event.

In late November 2003, I had a miscarriage.

Anniversary reactions are painful.

In December 2004, I gave birth to my daughter, appropriately named Joy Lucille which means “joyful light-bearer.” Lucille was my great-grandmother’s name.

Weeping may spend the night, but there is joy in the morning

Psalm 30:5b, Holman Christian Standard Bible

While her birth was something to rejoice in – her five-day hospital stay as we fought for her life – was not. Nor were the medical challenges that came later. For all that she’s healthy and a delight to my heart.

In November 2017 a judge hammered a nail in the coffin of a verbally abusive marriage. A relationship I had spent years grieving over so that one doesn’t have the same sense of loss to me. That was a relief.  God rescued me. He provided for me and my kids. He sustained me and I learned I didn’t need a man to have a good life.

I still wanted one. I still believed there were good men out there. I feared dating again. I kept my standards so high I shouldn’t have been able to find anyone that would meet my criteria. But God once again showed Himself. June 2018 I started talking with this great guy, Ben.

We began dating and it was amazing. Someone began slandering me to his family, but I quickly realized it wasn’t me personally that was the issue. It was anyone who would have won his heart. He’s worth that grief of those lies. He had to make a choice between maintaining a relationship with those people – or pursuing me. He chose me. And I’m so glad he did.

In December 2018 I married Benjamin. What a wonderful journey we’ve had so far. 

I’ll grieve my losses and be grateful for all that God has done to change my life for the better. It’s not all roses, and we still have challenges we face, but I’m blessed to have someone by my side as we face those challenges together. Someone to pray with me and for me. Someone who is proud to hold my hand and tell me he loves me. Not even a best-selling novel could beat that, or lots of adulation for singing or speaking anywhere. So I’ll let that go. If God wants me to do that kind of work He can make a way.

So I will grieve because the only way is to go through it. And I will rejoice in all God has done on my journey.

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone.

Be kind to yourself and others as we enter this season – underneath our smiles, many are struggling. 

Ben and me. December 2019

 

Stuffing is Fine for Turkeys, Not Humans

Jul3

Reading Time: 4 minutesI haven’t posted anything for some time because, well, to be honest, life has been crazy. I’ve made some changes in my life and God has given me amazing peace as He has led me on this path. I’m blessed beyond what I could adequately express.

But here’s the rub. I have Major Depressive Disorder. Most people wouldn’t guess that because I can be bubbly, energetic in communication and smile often. (An INFJ conundrum or chameleon?)

It was a lesson I learned as a child. I cried a lot in school and was made fun of for that. “Crybaby,” they would call me in my parochial school. I cried at home. No one really cared. I was just hyper-sensitive. Around fifth grade, I finally learned how to bury my hurt anger and not cry. When I was older  I told my parents I wanted to see someone, that I thought I was depressed and needed help. I was told I was just seeking attention.

Wow. I buried those feelings deeper. Eventually, I learned to pour those emotions into fiction.

 

I’ve been on a good path recently: eating better, taking around four long walks outdoors every week (sunshine and exercise), and sleeping well. But then last week it popped up again. I opened myself up to people I thought I could trust and told them how something scared me and made me anxious to the point of even having a nightmare about it. My feelings were discounted and minimized. I went home and cried. I won’t go into the issues, but it was as if confessing my fears, they had to bury their own with platitudes. I didn’t feel cared for, loved, or a valued part of the community on that team.

It’s been bothering me for days. I’ve taken walks. Taken naps. Worked. Emailed a friend. Today I had to serve at church with this team and you know what? I shed my tears over Scripture and my journal in the morning before stuffing it all down as I left the house. It was a task-oriented job so not the time for emotional discussions anyway. I tried to encourage and thank others but my heart and my hurt stayed locked away. Why would I share it again when no one cared enough about it the first time? It all bubbled back to the surface the minute I was alone in my car. The sky poured rain that mirrored the tears flowing down my face.

Stuffing is great for turkeys…not so good for humans.

I came home, ate lunch and took a nap. I try not to let my depression leak on to my kids. I take medication so I can be functional and dependable. My middle son wrote on a paper at school a few years ago stating that his mom is always happy. I had to sit him down and say, “No, I’m not. I cry. I just don’t do it in front of you because they are my adult problems and struggles, not burdens for you to carry.” When they were much younger, I used to let it spill out in frustration and when my young son drew a picture of an angry mom, I knew I had to once again get help and back on medication. At the time I also had a serious auto-immune disease complicating things and making the depression an even bigger struggle.

Let me brag on my kids for a minute. Now that they are older, when I have those days where I’m feeling on the edge…like I could snap…I warn them. “Kids, I’m really cranky today. Not sure why, but please, just be nice to me okay?” And they do. They don’t step on my last nerve to watch me explode. My youngest will give me a hug and tell me she loves me.

Yes. I have God. He is always faithful and provides for my needs and sometimes my wants. He has shown Himself to me in so many unexpected ways. I can be as grateful as possible for all of that and for the support of people around me–but gratitude doesn’t cure depression. It isn’t fixable with platitudes, a good meal, or even sometimes a hug and a shoulder to cry on (although that can be helpful and appreciated).

So if you see me in person or call me on the phone and ask how I am, I’ll likely tell you I’m fine. No offense, I’ve just learned that not everyone cares about how I’m REALLY doing. Depression and chronic illness, whether physical or emotional, is something that society as a whole, and even the Christian community, do not excel at ministering to. We get all concerned about suicides and suicide prevention – but the reality is – the problems are there long before the individual ever contemplates such drastic action.

I’m not writing this to get attention… but to ask you to open your eyes to people around you… we can get so self-absorbed (I’m an expert navel-gazer too), that we don’t often take the time to look beneath the surface to see what’s really going on in someone’s life. I want to raise awareness. I’m sure in time I’ll be doing better. Depression ebbs and flows for me and after a few more journal entries,  tears, walks and maybe even a visit to my therapist, I might wake up some morning feeling better. It will take time but it is a lonely journey. So for those of you who struggle as well, my heart and prayers go out to you. You are loved and valuable and your feelings DO matter. Hang in there. I pray someone will come along and be Jesus with skin on for you in your darkest hours so that you can make it through. That’s my prayer for myself too.

Maybe this video will show just how hard it is to always see on the surface when someone is depressed.

Spatzle Speaks: Root Beer & Roadblocks (Book Review)

Mar11

Reading Time: 3 minutesMy mom (Susan M. Baganz) writes books. In this one, she had a little boy and I love little kids so Root Beer & Roadblocks is a story I enjoyed. Johnny Marshall is a favorite character, but I was sad that at the end of Feta & Freeways, Johnny’s cancer had returned. I knew then that she would write Johnny’s story and make it a great one.

Johnny had a rough time because he endured a bout of cancer in his past and discovered the truth at the same time his wife served him divorce papers. He’d had his chance at fame as a musician and lost any chance to fulfill his dream of having children.

He sold his home and had moved in with his cousin. Partly because he didn’t see any point in keeping it when he figured he’d likely not survive this cancer battle. He wasn’t even sure he wanted to bother with pursuing treatment because he knew it would be brutal with no guarantee of a cure. He serves at church teaching little kids in Sunday school since he can’t have any of his own.

When he saves a little boy from being hit by a car after church, he gets injured instead. The crash reunites him with an old flame from high school. The one woman, Katie, he never really got over and she holds a secret, one that might give him the will to live.

Johnny is not a victim in this story although he suffers terribly. Matter of fact, in spite of his challenges he often emerges the unwitting hero. His journey and struggle seems hopeless at times, defeated by depression, illness, and cancer, he also finds that because of his struggles there are amazing blessings to be had on the other side as God opens the floodgates to fill his heart (and arms) with more than he could have hoped and dreamed for.

Johnny is still a musician and singer with Specific Gravity although they don’t tour in this book as they make time to allow Johnny the opportunity to fight this battle with his family, friends, and Orchard Hill church by his side. If you enjoyed Feta & Freeways you’ll enjoy the continuation of the relationship between Niko and his cousin Johnny in this story. While both books are connected they can be read as stand-alone novels.

Spatzle Baganz, book reviewer for the silygoos blog because that’s how we roll.

I would suggest that Johnny and Katie get a dog, but given the end of this story, I suspect they’ll need a bigger home and some time to adjust to all their blessings. I’d offer to join them but I love my mommy too much and she needs me. They don’t call me a rescue dog for nothing. I give this book five bones, because I don’t have thumbs and don’t do stars. And I’ll give my mom lots of kisses as long as she keeps rubbing my tummy.