Author Confessions: The Control Conundrum
I have been losing my mind lately. Or have I? I had a mild concussion at the end of September and found that intially I would have occassional hiccups in my brain processing, especially when trying to find the right word when I was talking. Guess it’s a good thing I’m a writer, huh? It doesn’t happen when writing and I have more time to process, and hopefully, edit.
I’ve undergone physical therapy, chiropractic, massage, psychotherapy, bio-resonance screening, and have now added cranio-sacral therapy at the recommendation of a dear friend.
I thought things were improving, but then odd things happen and I’m not sure if it’s a brain glitch or a technology issue (or both!).
To make things more confusing we have three addresses. We have our residence in one town with long obnoxious addresses and two others in a nearby town where we have our LLC and are building our home, also with obnoxiously long addresses. Think latitude and longitude. We would prefer to use our new home address (there is a mailbox there!) but even our shop address which has existed for over 40 years doesn’t always show up and isn’t allowed when ordering things online. Even two of our credit cards will not use either of those two addresses! Fed Ex didn’t even attempt to deliver a check order there and sent it back!
I’ve changed addresses online as much as I can, with most going directly to the the new home address since we are there daily. Yes, there is a mailbox. However, the United States Postal Service won’t recognize the address (even if the village and county do) as valid until the house is 80% built. How do you determine that? Not that it matters too much, the mailman will still deliver there.
This past week I ordered something online on my phone and put in our home address (or so I thought) for delivery. Sometimes the automated systems think they know better and correct the address. I used to live on Menomonee Ave in Menomonee Falls over 30 years ago! Somehow my package got delivered across the street from there, but how? And why did the transaction even go through when that was not my billing address for any of my credit cards! ARGH!!!
I didn’t realize the error until I got the notification it was delivered, but hadn’t shown up at my door. I had to drive to the other address, someplace I had never been to before, to collect my package. Thankfully, it was still by the mailboxes and the lobby to that apartment complex was not locked. I had my phone and identification with me in case someone called the police to report me as a “porch pirate!” Just my luck I’d get arrested for stealing my own package.
Too much drama for me and I kept wondering if this was my fault or not. Did my brain just breeze over the numbers (some where correct, just added a 1 at the front) and street name which mirrored the city name? I don’t know but I honestly cried because I feared my brain was playing tricks on me.
I hate feeling helpless. Out of control. Don’t you?
I spent years in a difficult marriage experiencing that daily and staying for a variety of reasons. The main one was that God had not released me from the marriage. When He did, I left with confidence and peace, in spite of what should have been paralyzing fear.
Maybe my brain isn’t fully healed from the concussion yet. In reality I have had several injuries that are impacting it and my body over the years that were never treated effectively. And unlike dementia, I at least know and understand where there are glitches–and when it’s improving.
I just placed another order online and before I could put in my address somehow it put in my old one 50 miles north and finalized the order before I could edit it. I cancelled the order ASAP. I had used PayPal but even PayPal has my new address. I was furious and frustrated but grateful I noticed it (I am trying to be far more diligent!). I placed the order again and just went through the tedious process of putting in my credit card and not giving any automatic fill-in to take place.
The conundrum of control whirled in my brain. Not only am I recovering from a concussion which I hadn’t originally figured was so bad, but also battling technology and a internet that isn’t caught up with my reality (of a new address). A friend reported the same issue when she had moved to their new home and how it took forever for her insurance to even recognize the new address. I’m not alone.
I don’t want to live in helplessness but realize ultimately I don’t even have control of my next breath. I can make decisions but often it is beyond my ability and all I can to is react to events. I can be proactive, and try to make wise choices but even the best laid plans can be foiled by outside forces as we’ve discovered with the building process. Contractors who quit or mess up, forcing delays, and a lot more work on our part. Companies who are slow to respond to requests for information when I’m offering them a lucrative sale of their product. Contractors who take vacation before giving me final paperwork I need for the bank. Throw in holidays, weather, health, and accidents and we can recognize quickly how little control we have over this life we’ve been given.
When I write, I have to make a decision to sit and work. I do some planning, but the characters take over and sometimes surprise me, forcing me to pray for more creativity in crafting a story I hope people will want to read. When writing my latest novella, Gnomebody but You, I had no idea who was doing all the bad things in the story. I was as confused as my main character, Tali Shadowgrace. That was until the perpetrator revealed himself on the page.
In many ways I love the excitement and surprise of the not knowing. Surrendering to God in the creative process of writing.
I don’t always enjoy that in real life. I need to surrender as part of the control conundrum. That’s not a passive helpless thing. Surrender is willful, and active. A posture of recognizing WHO is in control. It’s not me.
The idea of surrender helped me through the final years of my marriage. Surrendering to God and allowing Him to work in and through me as I waited on His perfect timing. If I had pushed for my own way and gone out of God’s will, I might have missed out on the wonderful love and life I have right now.
My body is healing from the trauma of the past (CPTSD from the years of verbal/emotional/financial abuse and physical neglect), and the trauma of the present (concussion). Much of that healing is beyond my control, but I can despair over the confusion, or I can pro-actively submit to God’s healing power as I engage in various treatment modalities. Even with cranio-sacral massage, it’s not a passive thing. It’s physically relaxing but mentally intense work and focus. It’s trusting God to help my body heal itself.
How do you deal with the control conundrum? I haven’t even talked about how that works out with free-will and predestination, and am not going to. God understands and I think in the end, when we get to heaven He will laugh and say “You missed the point.” The focus should always be on Jesus, the great physician, the One Who is in control of the universe and Who we can cling to when life feels out of control more than normal, (since essentially nothing is in our control). 
Surrendering and trusting in Him makes it easier to bear the confusion and keep me from sinking into despair. I’ll confess, I do still sink for a time until the Holy Spirit reminds me of the truth and that I can trust Him even when it’s confusing and I fear my brain is tripping me up.
I imagine Mary, submitting to God when He told her He chose her to carry a baby out of wedlock. She submitted and rejoiced in the honor, having no idea the way life would unfold for her, and the joy and pain she would endure. Many people in the Bible had no idea how God was using them in the moment, to further His plan of redemption. No life is insignificant. What a wonderful thing to cling to when life is out of control. God is King over the control conundrum, working out His perfect plan in my life, and yours, when we submit to Him. Praying you can cling to that truth during this, and every season, filled with uncertainty and confusion. There is peace resting in God’s control, fueled by His purpose, power, and love.
I’m not certain how or if I’ll get to connect with my kids in person this year. I made their gifts (alluded to that in my last post). Something personal but definitley not cheap. I would love to be there when they open that package and see the expressions on their faces, but I am trying to be realistic–it may not happen. They don’t seem as motivated. The best gift this year would be time and a hug from my kids.
Christmas chaos.
The same happens with other significant losses. Moods will emerge that surprise me, which is why I keep those things on my calendar every year just as I do birthdays and anniversaries. Those are about others–grief is about me.
All that to say, be kind to yourself during this season of celebration, pay attention to those anniversary reactions. You can’t plan for them but you can be aware. Be kind to others, realizing there might grief underying the smiles of those around you. Sometimes they might not even realize why they are having a hard time. Not everyone realizes they might be having an anniversary reaction.
I’ve never tasted ice cream. I don’t think a Starbuck’s pup cup counts but that was an acceptable treat. Having said that, Karen Malley’s latest Christmas novella, 
Life brings a lot of complications for Hannah and she’s finally forced to choose between comformity and losing her best friend, or taking a risk and follow her dreams which would mean upsetting her parents, oh and also upsetting her best friend. Will she trust God for all the details? Is it possible that the dreams she has were God’s way of directing her on a new path like her new friend, Drew, suggests?
For instance, I thought, wrongly, that my Christmas novella, 
I need to also mention that authors themselves need to try to live a life that would glorify God. People are watching us and while many of the readers of my books may have never met me face to face, there are those who have, and I might meet some and have no idea that they have read my books and will be making sure I’m trying to live out the faith I write about, even if my characters are not real-life people.
It is also wise for readers to be evaluating the writing they are injesting. There are several non-fiction authors I will not read because of errors in their theology. Sure, they made lots of money and gained fame through their work, but that doesn’t mean they were theologically correct. I may not always get it right either so I’m not casting stones. We are all held accountable for how we handle the gospel that has been entrusted to us, whether we ever write a book or not. So be wise in all things and make sure you stand on the firm foundation of God’s Word in all you do.
We can get so hung up on things that are not essential that we miss the point that the church is to be unified which gives it strength and power to carry out it’s mission on this earth. How you want to dress it up is fine, but when you add to those foundational issues, it can weaken the foundation.
We all need wisdom to build our faith, marriage, family and churches. Not just physically but spiritually.
The reality is, God tends to use ordinary people to carry out His plans, not just the rich, famous, highly educated, or incredibly talented. Yes, they have a role to play as well, but if your plumber had chosen to teach Philosophy at a college somewhere, who is going to fix your leaking faucet?
But God. I love those words. But God. He is the One who works in and through us to accomplish HIS purposes. Not ours. No lofty ambition. My value and worth doesn’t need that kind of validation–or scrutiny.
When I’m depressed I write in my journal. I pray. I try to sing. I hug my dog a little tighter (he’s not a fan of that but he puts up with me!). I acknowledge the depression (even if only to myself and God) and try to not let myself simmer and stew in it. I give myself permission to cry. Making plans to be with others even if I’d rather curl up and sleep, helps too. Helping someone, listening to them, can also help. I’ve learned that when depression hits, I am not without tools to help me get through the darkness.
When I was free from an destructive marriage, many people came up to me and told me that I looked happier. Stress, helplessness, depression, all dimmed that smile but it wasn’t noticeable until those things had passed. Only those who know me really well can tell when the smile doesn’t reach my eyes.
Here’s the truth. God called you to be you.
While some people seem to be having an impact due to number of followers on social media or a blog, how many watch an interview on television or a podcast… the reality is, we can never fully know that impact and to do any of that to seek numbers, followers, or money, is a vain and foolish goal.
Holy Spirit along the way. Have I obeyed flawlessly? No. None of us can. But I’m still here and I’m still trying to be who He needs me to be, which is ME and no one else, using the unique gifts, calling, and opportuinities as they present themselves, for HIS glory and not my own.
Emotional bandwidth is a new term for me. I’m not sure how I learned it, but it makes sense. Internet gets slow when there’s not enough “bandwidth” for the data to get through. We have a limited capacity for stress when it hits all areas of our being.
I’ve been on this planet long enough, you think I’d have a good understanding of myself. I’m still learning. I’m grateful to a God who not only created me but understands parts of who I am that I don’t yet know about. Part of the issue for all of us, hopefully, is that we are growing and changing as we age, and hopefully that maturity helps us understand ourselves more completely. As we grow and change the world also changes around us and there is adaptation everywhere.
This post is more of a wrap up from the previous four so if you haven’t read them, check them out.
Henry Cloud has of this in one of his books as well. Some tasks can seem huge, but breaking them down into smaller chunks can make it easier to get done. This works whether it is getting through a graduate thesis to moving from one house to another or cleaning your kitchen,
I do allow myself grace. If I cannot accomplish my long list of things I can reschedule them for a future date so I don’t forget about them. I rarely have an issue remembering to do most things but when life is crazy tasks can slip through the cracks. I’m working hard to avoid that but not beating myself up if it happens.
I want to focus more on positive little things for this post.
On the phone when dealing with calls, whether ot the doctor’s office or insurance, there’s usually enough time to be friendly or tell them to have a wonderful day. It sounds trite but too often people who are working at answering phones are dismissed or even treated rudely. At a restaurant, address your waiter by name if you can. Everyone deserves to be seen and something that simple validates their existance. One caveat: robo calls. Try to hang up before you get a person or an automated message. I try to be as polite as possible when I get a person but they won’t listen when I say no, I say thank you and hang up.
Sin often starts out small. A tiny lie. A corner of your soul that holds on to anger and resentment. Just one video you’d never want your mother to catch you watching (not to mind God!).
When an author embues a character with a quirk, whether it is clothing, a speech pattern, physical infrirmity, the author needs to keep that in mind. Or if they are injured in some way, like when Pastor Dan in 
While I say I write for myself, I’m missing the most important audience: Jesus, the Word Himself! I write as an act of worship and hope to honor Him with the words that are put on the page.
Fans of my stories can also help by writing reviews on Amazon. They can be short and sweet but they can help others find my books. Also helpful is sharing with others about them and recommending them. Word of mouth, or sharing on Facebook or Instagram or Twitter can help as well. The nice thing for new readers is, there is a great back-catalogue of stories for them to read if they decide they like my stories.
There is no free pass with love. When my husband and I were doing premarital counseling, there was a questions we needed to answer about whether we believed anything could destroy our marriage. I said yes. Unconditional love would say no. Maybe I was more practical realizing that there are many things that can destroy a marriage. I don’t like divorce and I have no desire for that but it is naive to think that it is 100% preventable. While making a good marriage takes three (husband, wife, and the Lord), one person alone can destroy it.
“And you will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart.” (Jeremiah 29:13).
Like old pillows we collect but can’t give away, our bad memories can surround us if we let them, but they fail to provide comfort. I have some from my growing up years and all the emotions that go with them. Some have those that are far more traumatic and need to be dealt with in conjunction with prayer and counseling. Mine, maybe, maybe not. They aren’t deeply traumatic but they left their mark.
Some people don’t deserve the honor of our time and attention, much less hospitality, if they bring poison with them.
Some people are definitely more driven to pursue goals than others, but what is really motivating someone can be difficult to discern simply based on an outward action.
driving us to do the things we do. It might be a combination of things but it’s worth it to seek God and undestand that so even our unmet needs and our motivations can be submitted to Him, and growth can occur in new ways.
Physiological Needs
Summary 
If you are willing to take something for a headache, or get an antibiotic, or go to a doctor, much of that information has been discovered by general revelation. General revelation doesn’t depend on the inventor’s faith story to make it something we use. The same is true with counseling. Scripture first, definitely, but denying the general revelation that is still be discovered that can help any of us be emotionally AND spiritually healthy, should be embraced. A person can’t have true spirtual growth without emotional growth. They are intimately connected. Denying or minimizing the emotional part of who we are is to deny who God created us to be and to deny our Creator who has emotions as well. Do they rule us? No. But God often uses them for His glory.
The lie is there isn’t enough time. The truth is, perhaps I’m not focusing on what God really wants me to do. If I believed the lie I would have worked instead of being there for my friends. Maybe God understands that our timeline is not possible and if things are delayed, it might be because He, in His perfect wisdom, understands our limitations.
I’m going to take a few breaths, finish up this project and a few other things that slipped through the cracks and then get back to the grind, or not, if I run out of time for today. I’m good with that because God knows my heart and the purposes He calls me to. Sometimes I get too caught up in the small stuff to see the bigger picture and to remind myself that God is faithful and will see me through. If I need to cry like my friend, with all the emotions that fight to be felt, that’s going to be fine as well, and maybe, if I’m brave enough to ask, a friend will sit and listen to me too.
We are so unique in so many ways that it really is a miracle when people can get a long at all. We are emotional people as well and the way we are wired is not identical to anyone else even if you can fit in a similar Meyers-Briggs catagory. I have three close friends and we all share the same Meyer’s Briggs type – but we are still so very different from each other.
Just write. 
Part of psychology helps people to look at negative events differently. Sometimes as we grow older we recognize that while an event happened and we reacted to it a certain way, as we gain more information that can change our perspective. Understanding more of what drove another person to say or do things can help us not feel as victimized, which in many ways can decrease a trauma response when the past is brought into fresh light and examined.
We too easily fall into a victim mentality and I believe this has escalated in our current cultural climate. Too many have become spoiled, lazy, and entitled. As well as angry and vindictive. This is nothing new. The Israelites did that in the desert, defying and doubting God at every turn and then suffering the consequences of that.
Motherhood is a difficult job and whether a mom has a job other than the full time mothering or not, it is a difficult, exhausting job. Any mom who acts like it is all sunshine and roses is lying. Most moms struggle to do well and many fear they are failing. There are so many opposing positions that make it difficult to make choices for fear of being maligned for those choices. Add marital challenges, finanical struggles, behavioral issues, a variety of personalities with some clashing (especially if the child is a lot like you!), discpline challenges, possible health issues (mental, emotional, or physical), and then the spiritual challenges if you are trying to raise your child in the Christian faith. There is not any one perfect way to handle any of these. Add the residual grief from children lost due to miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS, or any other reason that might result in a child dying, there can be deep sorrow that never leaves.
Some would idolize Jesus’s mom, Mary, but she was as human and fallible as any of us. She too, was human, imperfect, and I’m sure she failed time and again in trying to raise the Son of God to adulthood. She was chosen for a task. God chooses every mom to be a mother to the children He decides to place in their lives, for however long He chooses. They are ultimately His and we may only have them for a short time.
We can hope for many things. Rescue, a new home, a long-awaited child, healing from an illness. Nothing is too big or small for God to be concerned with. When we don’t understand His timing, the hope seems so far off, and we can lose hope. Not necessarily to the point of hopelessness, but we can doubt it. Hebrews 11:1 states: “Now faith is the certainty of things hoped for, a proof of things not seen.” Hope is closely tied into our faith in Jesus. We can all struggle with doubt at different points in our lives. Proverbs 12:12 describes it this way: “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, But desire fulfilled is a tree of life.”
The author of Hebrews wrote: “This hope we have as an anchor of the soul, a hope both sure and reliable.” (Heb 6: 19a) I love that image of an anchor, holding us fast to Jesus and all His promises. When we place our ultimate hope in HIM, we can experience great freedom and joy. The apostle Paul wrote: “I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened, so that you will know what is the hope of His calling, what are the riches of the glory of His inheritance in the saints.” (Eph 1:18) What a prayer to pray for yourself and others.
I digress but I think it’s important. Sin took everything wonderful and corrupted it. Everything is impacted and as generations go on, we see increases in genetic disorders, and chronic illnesses that were not as prevalent in previous generations. Now some of that might be due to environmental factors, and the food we consume, true, but still, it just shows that things move to disorganization and diease. The Second Law of Thermodynamics states that everything devolves. Now some state thht this isn’t true because the universe is not a closed system (required by that scientific law), however, there has never been any new information added to our DNA added through natural processes, and our genetic code is devolving not evolving, hence, more physical disabilties. This occurs throughout creation, not just in human beings.
Moderation is not something Americans do well at. We are more of a culture of excess.
All of those start with the heart. Our sin is ultimately an internal issue for each of us. What we focus on impacts that greatly. Luke 12:34: “For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”
As with any emotion, we need to take it to God. I’ve had instances where I’ve been unable to seek out reconciliation and instead of wallowing in resentment I leave it in God’s hands. In my mind I have this imaginary stamp that I’ve placed on their forhead that says: UNSAFE. Those people do not deserve an intimate connection with me. Trust has been broken, and I can be polite and even friendly but refuse to go deeper than that. One individual called me after a year of little contact and she complained that we don’t talk anymore. She forgot how she tore me to pieces when I confronted her on her treatment of me in various ministry groups we’ve been in (publicly demeaning me). I went away from that initial conversation crushed. Since that time I gave it to God. During that call, I gave her the information she requested without stating anything more about my life or even asking about hers. I just don’t care to have a relationship with her any more than I do with someone from a call center trying to sell me car insurance. I have detached any emotion toward her. I view her as unsafe but without any resentment. I wish her well, but don’t desire to be a part of her life, or have her in mine as she has not proven worthy of my trust.
Resentment can become dangerous when we hold on to it. It can fester and grow into some of those other emotions I mentioned. If we have a habit of holding on to that it can become pervasive where we resent a lot of people over things and treatment, real or imagined. As it grows it can impact our spiritual and emotional health as we harbor such an ugly poison within us. The dangerouse emotion of resentment is at it’s worst when we resent the God who oversees our lives and perhaps denies us our request in our timing or blesses someone else the way we want to be blessed. That’s serious one to pray about. His ways and timing are not ours. He is always at work and we need to trust that in His perfect love and plan, that He does have a reason and there is good coming out of even the darkest days.
The first image that comes to mind is that of a dog. We’ve probably all seen pictures of abandonded dogs. I had one rescue who had been found abandoned on a street in Texas. He was pretty old but we’re not sure how old, and he was potty trained. Cooper was a little larger than your average Lhasa Apso and was sweet and playful. He did well with our other senior dog but became the best dog when he was the only dog. Not sure why anyone would have abandoned him, I believe our love helped him forget.
Abandonment at it’s core, hurts our ability to trust another person. In milder cases, it can be a tool that helps an individual to be more choosy in who they trust and invest their time and emotion into. The dangerous extremes are when someone refuses to bond with another person ever again, or even worse, becomes so clingy they perpetuate the cycle.
It was like a sucker punch to him. Naming our emotions and realizing how they truly impact us, can be difficult and painful, but it is also important.
Betrayal is a unique wounding not only because it signifies the loss of a relationship, but also a loss of trust one had in at least one individual. We are to be wise in who we trust, and betrayal calls into question our judgement. We are to always trust God who will never betray us. We may have been blind to the evil in that person but we should be glad we discovered it. While the level of betrayal can vary, the injury is the same. We need to be careful in the future then of who we trust in and might need counseling to learn perhaps the signs of people who are not safe for us to be in relationship with.
Often times we can take changes in stride but it is worth acknowledging the complexity. When someone suffers a loss, whether yourself or someone else, keep in mind that there is more than one thing they are losing.
What about when something good happens? Major life changes do not happen in a vacuum.
Author Confessions: Do You Want to Get Well? (Secondary Gains)
There are people who are resistant to getting well. They get something out it. That is called secondary gains.
This is old stuff for me but the older I get the more I need to remind myself that I didn’t understand some of this when I was younger in my walk with God, so I thought I would give everyone a pop-quiz today. Are you? F.A.T? Faithful, Available, and Teachable?
Submit to God. Draw near to Him and He promies to draw near to you. The Holy Spirit’s ability to work in and through us is hindered when we grieve Him by ongoing deliberate sin. We are all guilty and need to humble ourselves before the Mighty God over all.
Scripture teaches that love never fails or love conquers all depending on the translation (1 Cor 13). 1 Peter 4:8 states: “Above all, maintain an intense love for each other, since love covers a multitude of sins.” Woah. Love covering sin is having an attitude of forgiveness. Love in action forgives sin, especially in a relationship with another person. It not mean avoiding any acknowledgement of sin, not confronting sin, or allowing sinful acts to continue. If we truly love someone and value them as a person made in the image of God, we should confront sin.
Apathy, in the sense of detachment, might be necessary for emotional survival in the case of narcissitic/verbal/emotional/phyisical/financial abuse like I mentioned above. In this case it is a healthy way to protect oneself from someone who does not have our best interests at heart. This might end in cutting off a friendship, blocking or restricting someone on social media, or not sharing your life with that person if they are not “safe” for you. Not answering the phone or a text. When someone has abused or in other ways broken trust, detatchment may be the healthiest thing to do. As long as you can do that without harboring emotions of resentment or hatred toward that person. Let them go and let God deal with them.
The reality is, we all hate something, and maybe at some points, someone. It’s what we do with that emotion that counts. I have heard the expression, “Hate the sin, not the sinner.” This is a wise thing to do because every individual is created in the image of God and therefore has worth and value.
The dangerous moral high ground has no positive attributes. It might feel satisfying to claim that hill. Dying on it might not be quite what one expects.
The ground is level at the foot of the cross. Jesus died on a hill but everyone standing under that cross was on level ground as we are all sinful from birth. His truly perfect moral high ground came a deadly cost to save us from our sins. Everyone around us is there figuratively at the foot of that cross and if we are too high up our own moral hill, we cannot lead them there as our fellow human beings. It is fine to have a firmly held conviction, especially if that’s what God leads you to, and it doesn’t violate Scripture. It is not good to expect everyone to agree with it.
See how complicated love is? True love lasts beyond the emotion. Sometimes acting loving can help us get back there to the feeling.
Something else to think about though. God loves us and created you and me. Even when we wouldn’t acknowledge Him, Jesus died on the cross to bridge the gap of sin that seperated us from a holy and perfect LORD. “For God so loved the world…” I’m reading in the Old Testament right now and God’s longsuffering toward the nation of Israel is amazing to behold. He loved them even when He needed to allow, or force, negative consequences for their sins. God loved with boundaries, but His devotion never failed because LOVE never ends.
Many cultures and families use shame as a weapon to affect good behavior, but shame is not about guilt. Shame is about not being good enough. It is about being defective to the core of your being.
It is when we accept that gift of salvation in the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ that we can find freedom from shame. Our worth, our value, comes in belonging to Christ.
Regret can be a test before making a decision. However, it is hard to forecast what you might think and feel about a decision or choice years in the future. For instance, when marrying the sweet husband I have now: “If I have sex before marriage, would I regret it?” For me, the answer was “Yes.” In hindsight, I am doubly grateful we waited. It was not easy. I think if I had answered that differently, I would have regretted it.
I knew and all along I was seeking God. He works things together for HIS good and in His perfect timing. I could feel sad about things that happened, and that is good and right to do. There are things to grieve (a post for another week). I do not need to regret following God through those difficult years because He never abandoned me.
On the surface, when a person’s mind is working well, guilt is the emotion that tells us that we have sinned. Psalm 32:5 states: “I acknowledged my sin to You, And I did not hide my guilt; I said, “I will confess my wrongdoings to the Lord”; And You forgave the guilt of my sin.”
Guilt is good even if it feels bad to experience it. The great thing for most people is that when we acknowledge our guilt and seek forgiveness, God is willing to give that to us (even if another human being might not). Acknowledging you have an issue if the sin is a persistent issue, can help a person start to see patterns for that sin so that it might be broken. Anything else can pile guilt on guilt (sin upon sin) which can only be damaging to the body, mind, and soul.
When I first taught classes at writer’s conferences I was barely published myself so I was learning a lot as I prepared to teach. I learned and then was qualified to share that with others and since I was being paid I didn’t feel too inadequate.
Inadequacy can resolve to humility when we recognize that we are never perfect enough for the work God has called us to. Whether it is writing, preaching, counseling, teaching, parenting, running a business or any other job or task. When we lean on Him and are honest about what we don’t know, or that we are not an expert, we can avoid feeling like an imposter. If God calls us, then to stay mired in an emotion of inadequacy is denying the power of the Holy Spirit to use us as He sees fit.
Being jealous is telling God that what He has given me isn’t good enough. It’s like the second son in the story of the prodigal son (Luke 15:11-32) who is upset that the father never threw a party for him but gave one for the returning wastrel. Jesus told a parable about a master paying laborers the same even though some didn’t work as long. (Matthew 20:1-16) and likened this to the Kingdom of Heaven. Jesus can distribute gifts through the Holy Spirit and blessings as HE sees fit and I have no right to be angry or jealous. My job is to honor and obey HIM and not seek other things, including a lucartive publishing contract or huge sales. If I submit to the Jesus and let the Holy Spirit reign in my heart and life than I have reward enough.
Philippians 4:6 says: “Don’t worry about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses every thought, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable—if there is any moral excellence and if there is any praise—dwell on these things.”
This gets back to what I started out with. If I focus on all the things that are wrong or scary and think in a paranoid manner, then I will develop a habit. Not quite as serious as a paranoid schizophrenic, but still problematic. When I fail to focus on God, right now, and trust who HE says He is, then I’m slipping into the sin of unbelief.
Christmas is in two days! In November I had a last-minute surgery while trying to prepare for Christmas early and write 50,000 words for National Novel Writing Month. I’ve had inguinal hernia repair about thirteen years ago and thought, no problem. I’ve got this! I needed to have a lot done and out of the way so that I could take care of my husband in December after his reverse shoulder replacement on his left arm. He did the right one a few years back so we’ve been down this road before and I realized that this Christmas, and our sixth anniversary (yesterday), would of necessity be low-key and one of doing less, rather than more, over the holidays.
That made me sad. Gifts are more than physical material things. They can include acts of service. She could come over and load my wood stove! Or sit with her step-father and watch television while I go get my hair done. He’d probably be fine alone but that would definitely be a help and easy MY mind. Or just spending time together.
That’s why I stopped giving my mom birthday gifts. What does she need? Instead, we are making memories. Last year we went to Kentucky to the Creation Museum and the Ark Encounter. This year we went to Branson (both of these being road trips for us). Next year we’re already planning on a trip to downtown San Antonio.TX, because for all her travels she’s never been to the Riverwalk (but I have). Making memories that last long after wrapping paper has been tossed away. I will confess, there are a few items under the tree for her!
I have to do some reevaluating again… Why do I write? It is a calling I believe, but is it really having an impact in this crazy world? It’s not a financial boon in any way for our family. It is a sacrifice of discipline getting my butt in that chair and hands on a keyboard to come up with a story, and fashion characters out of thin air that hopefully will relate a message of hope and faith, and maybe even fun that will entertain and encourage a reader. Or show them a true, vital faith that can be theirs.
On top of spaghetti all covered with cheese
But why all this hullabaloo over Christmas?
Lust when considered as a strong sexual desire has its place in marriage. Desire like this draws a couple together but should only be satified when married, and only with one’s spouse. When my now husband and I were doing pre-marriage counseling the pastor, a long time friend of mine, asked, “Why get married so soon?” (we married six months after meeting). I responded “I want to have sex and won’t do that outside of marriage.” He laughed, and both men blushed. His response: “That’s a good reason.” The reality is, I should desire my husband and he should desire me! Isn’t that what the Song of Solomon is all about? Trying to reign in those desires to stay pure before marriage was difficult! We did it and are so glad we did.
Let’s go back to Matthew. In this passage, Jesus is speaking against murder, which consists of taking someone’s life and Jesus is taking the action and stating the very thought of that is also sin. Sounds reasonable doesn’t it? Sometimes when we think or feel things strongly, if we don’t confront those thoughts and emotions they can become actions. Jesus is expressing an early version of cognitive behavioral therapy here and going to the root of the issue: our thoughts. Thoughts precede emotion. What we think about something determines our emotions regarding that. Calling someone a derogatory name is also not really anger, it is pride. The person is exalting himself above the other and assuming a superior attitude. 2 Corinthians 10: 5 states: “We are destroying arguments and all arrogance raised against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ.” Again, another cognitive action because thoughts influence actions, including words.
My first was my Regency series. I started with 
It’s Minnie again. I’m glad Mom is giving me an opportunity here. Karen Malley’s latest Christmas novella, 
The Johari Window is a visual way to consider just how open a person you are. We all have secrets and obviously with certain people we will be more open and vulnerable in sharing our inner world. Not everyone is a safe person to do this with so caution is sometimes warranted, especially in newer relationships.
When we are in a close relationship with someone there can be more sharing and the open box can grow as we share the hidden things of our heart with them and they point out our blind spots: errors, quirks, attitudes, mistakes, and maybe even sins or iniquities, the unintentional stuff that might offend someone without our realizing it.
That’s a pretty bold statement.
She was headed to Wisconsin before Christmas to deliver this ugly suitcase for her grandmother which only meant a slight deviation before her hopeful reunion with the guy who’d dumped her. See? Desperate.
This is a reality in life but also plays out in fiction so don’t think this is only about our intellect. Our characters reflect real life and sometimes when a character is stuck perhaps in a twisted view of God’s forgiveness, they need to be confronted with truth about that which can be uncomfortable. This internal struggle, whether in real life or in the mind of a fictional character, requires growth which is somewhat uncomfortable.
There are some reasons why you might modify these verbs. I will try to use real examples from my novel 
In the first episode, Shawn Spencer (brilliantly played by James Roday) grabs a pinapple and asks about taking it along. For all I know it could have been improv for the scene as there was a lot of improvisation that took place in that show. After that they made sure to include a pineapple all 120 episodes either visually or in the dialogue. It might be obvious, or it might not. The fun for the fan was to find the pineapple. Fun tidbit, the TV show Chuck, used the word pinapple when there was an emergency. A nod to Psych? Possibly.
Real Life
“Her heart raced.” Let’s try this instead: She couldn’t catch her breath.
Said – uttered, whispered, remarked, bellowed, hissed, remarked, commented
Caveat
Exceptions
Now why include this when these are not even verbs? Hmmm? Curious minds want to know! They might be better called costumed, or disguised verbs, or perhaps pretending verbs. The most common marker seems to be the use of the word “to” to proceed the verb.
When an author is writing a story he will often include dialogue and there are two ways to give information about not only the tone of the conversation, the activiting surrounding it, and the person speaking.
When a writer is penning that first draft they often use a word several times, whether it is to describe and object or action. It’s easy to do because the brain just had that word at it’s fingers and it was easier to grab that than search for a slightly different word. Another phrase for this is duplicate words or phrases.
This is a different matter where one says the same thing more than once but perhaps not using the same terminology. This often happens during the first draft because the author is spitting out as much as they can and they might have forgotten they already mentioned a concept or phrase to describe something. Sometimes it is as simple as two words put together that mean similar things. The reality is, readers are smart and don’t often need things to be told to them over again. This can be a challenge in dialogue if a character is telling her story to multiple people over chapters. That is when it is often better for the author to write, “She relayed her experience,” or something like that.
Actually Totally
This is not an all-inclusive list:
I have paid marketing experts to help me but in reality it wasn’t just paying someone to do the job, it was paying them to teach me how to do it. It’s not cheap and doing the job myself I can see why. It takes time and that is a valuable asset. So is money. My husband spent his life in marketing and sales but it was for a physical product and he would do the sales at a home with an appointment. It’s as different thing to sell content like a book. So I invest money (and time) and it might be years before I see a real return on my investment. It’s a step of faith to do that and many authors do pay others for the help, but even with that assistance they often have to pitch in by providing content to the assistant. Those assistants work hard. Book signings can come with a cost as well for the spot at a craft fair, and maybe goodies for those who come whether it be snacks or give-aways.
Proverbs 1:5 says: “A wise man will listen and increase his learning, and a discerning man will obtain guidance.” Listening, being fully present with someone, takes effort and work. In our rushed, social media society, that is a hard discipline to learn and practice. Maybe getting older, and a little trauma, has made that easier for me, but to be honest, sometimes I’m too self-centered or lazy to make that effort with someone I’m not well acquainted with. Any time I make that effort, I’m rewarded with knowing I showed kindness to someone and I always learn something new and who knows when or where that will show up in one of my stories.
Nope. That’s not what God has called me to do. I write romance because the best romance is the one we have with our Savior. It’s real. It’s personal. It is life-changing. By His grace we have been given real-life love that reflects or mirrors that of our relationship to God.
If one person’s life is helped. If they are encouraged in their faith or finally understand God’s love for the first time through a story God led me to write. That’s priceless.
This really is a desire to heed Matthew 18: 15-17. 
True Freedom
So, is it wrong to read inspirational romance? It definitely is not a sin unless God tells you not to read that. But as with movies and other media content we take in during our days, we need to be discerning. I believe authors are held as accountable as any pastor or teacher out there for the content they produce and we should never seek to lead anyone into sin or promote sinful practices, but some theology can be far more subtle and we need to be careful.
When I sign books I always cite James 1:17 which states: Every good thing given and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shifting shadow. This verse comes after James has talked about trials, difficulties, and temptations and asks us to consider it joy. JOY? That something is gut-wrenchingly heart-stoppingly painful? Somewhere in the midst of our pain there is a gift that God is birthing and James wants to remind us of that. I also sign my books with You are a gift. We can’t forget that God created each person with a purpose to bring glory to Himself but also to serve a purpose in the lives of others in this world.
Justice would say my life is unfair. I don’t deserve to sit in a comfy chair in a climate-controlled home with sweet doggies at my side, writing this. I am a sinner. I fail too often, even if only in my thoughts which are not always as kind and compassionate as I would like them to be. Without my faith in the salvation bought for me at the cross by Jesus Christ, and the work He has done in my heart and life through the sanctifying work of the Holy Spirit, I would be toast. So, I savor the sacred because life is fragile and transient. 
Zephaniah 3:17 says : “Yahweh your God is among you, a warrior who saves. He will rejoice over you with gladness. He will bring you quietness with His love. He will delight in you with shouts of joy.”
One of my favorite Psalms is Psalm 19. Verses 12-14
If both my characters are already believers they still will struggle with sin, their own, and others, as well as issues of faith. No gospel is always presented but the real life ongoing desire to honor God with our lives or even the importance of faith and the body of Christ might be illustrated. Nothing perfect, but raw and real, so that even an unbeliever might want to know more about this Jesus my characters profess to love and serve. In some of those books I’m planting seeds but also watering gardens of those readers who are already Christians but might need to be encouraged or challenged in areas of their faith. The beauty of it all is there is a continuum of faith expression in inspirational fiction which provides multi-layered opportunities for the truths of the gospel to be shared.
Keeping our hearts clean before God keeps us in step with the Holy Spirit who will help us when evil comes knocking, whether it is in life, vacations, health, work, or yes, even writing. We can grieve our losses on the way but never stop clinging to God and the power He gives us through the Holy Spirit.
I’m being very simplistic here and I’m not saying I always do this perfectly myself. I just had some edits for some other authors for some amazing stories and yet there were these brief moments that struck me because they weren’t written out. I want the reader to stay fully engaged with the characters.
I mentioned that creativity is an attribute of God but it’s not one that we often think about. Without creativity we wouldn’t have innovation or try new things. There would be no music, no books, no art, no masterful gardens to walk through and enjoy. Buildings would be bland but functional, or would they? Even functionality requires creativity, doesn’t it?
Sometimes an author will have a book go out of publication with another publisher and decide to republish it. This not only involves a new round of edits but often a title change and new cover to give it a fresh appearance. Sometimes in the description it might state that it was originally published under another title. It’s not like we’re trying to do a bait and switch but sometimes even a fresh title suits the story better than the original did. Usually, that first story was published long enough ago that perhaps fans of that author would enjoy the new improved version.
This actually happened to my friend 
Hi, I’m Marley, a nine-year-old Teddy Bear (Bichon Frise/Shih Tzu) that was recently adopted by Susan. She’s keeping me busy with trying to teach the younger member of the pack how to be a dog, but then she conscripted me to write this review as well. Apparently, it is the job of at least one of the dogs in the pack to do this, but since most of the time I get to sleep under her desk in a comfy bed while she works, I suppose I can oblige her. Maybe, at some point Oliver will be old enough to share the duties. We’ll see.
The unexpected can lead to humor. So can quirky characters. Personally, I’m not that funny but unintentionally, yes. But how does that translate to the page? Most of the time it doesn’t.
wrote a Christmas novella this year that deals with heavy topics but has a dash of silliness and wit to it. More than previous books. When I read it again before submitting it I found myself smiling most of the way though for the pure joy of those lighthearted moments in the story. Maybe I’ll be able to grow in that area as an author. I have another story I want to work on and I think when I start it there may be far more humor, though subtle, than some of my previous works. We’ll see.
Just not at my hands.
I’ve had people find typos or errors in my books and proclaim, “If I had edited it, I would have found all of them.”
I guess all that is to say, if you find a typo or two, or a missing period or a quote without an end quote… give the author, editor and publishing house some grace. Some houses are small and we don’t have as many eyes on a manuscript as a bigger publisher. We would all love to have no one find anything wrong at all. As an author who has the last eyes on a document it can fall to me to find any little escapee issues but even then it can be a challenge. By the time it gets to that point I often can’t see the story clearly. My brain knows the story so my eyes can easily skip over things that might be wrong.
Do I work? Yes. And hard.
There are also times when I’ve written, and issues arise on the page that I wasn’t planning on but they mirror something going on in my own personal life. Not necessarily identical, but enough that I can struggle to work through it. In that way, fiction can be cathartic. I’m not saying that writing about my own emotional issues or injuries has fully healed my own trauma, but the process has given me a greater understanding of myself.
I did the best I could with what I knew then. Just like I’m doing the best I can with what I know now. Sometimes projects and work have to wait. If I don’t fold the clothes, eventually my husband will. He’s a busy man as well and we are committed to relaxing in the evenings. No work. That means sometimes things fall through the cracks.
As I write this I’m sitting in a hallway at a medical center while a family member has some tests run. So I’m getting some needed work done while not being home but when that individual comes out of their testing, I’m done and my focus will be on them. Thankfully, the two hours I have are being productive because I invested in a smaller laptop for travel so that I could do such things. This same laptop allowed me to do National Novel Writing Month (nanowrimo.com) in November even though we were gone, having traveled for 9 days! I wrote in a car, early mornings before friends woke up, in the airport, and on the plane. I had a goal and I made it happen and as a result I had a short novel to send to my publisher for this coming Christmas. Maybe they won’t like it because I tried something new! If not then maybe I’ll self-publish it because I love it so much. We’ll see.
Recently some people at church have realized that I’m an author and they are starting to read my books. I’m still Susan to them. They enjoy the stories and that is so sweet to hear their comments. I’m not a celebrity though. The work I’ve done conveys no special honor in my church family. There are a few who are honored to be my close friends and have encouraged me on my writing journey through the years.
The reality is that if I were to give a character all the things that happened to me in quick succession, the reader wouldn’t buy it. Life is truly stranger than fiction. And stories that move too quickly with too many crisis moments in them exhaust the reader.
And maybe, even though my characters might face circumstances that you would deem unrealistic, you’ll find that the underlying messages of the stories will resonate with you and leave you better for having read the book.
There are days when emotions make it difficult to accomplish anything creative, but I’m learning that I can rest on those days. That’s not being lazy. My body and my emotions tell me I need margin. I don’t need to function at 100% all the time. Even a fine-tuned engine doesn’t do well running 24/7, what makes me think I can do that?
It doesn’t matter how you feel about it–the work has to be done. I have some books that I’ve written that due to hassles during the editing process, I almost don’t want to pick up and read when they were done. If I do read them, I’m often amazed at the story and those yucky feelings from the editing disappear as I get lost in a story I should know by heart, but don’t because I write so many. I’ll enjoy it immensly.
I found myself working on sorting through this information and weeping. I did this very task last week with some other books, but for some reason, today, tears started to fall.
My response to him is this: “If I ever get annoyed with you I step back and remember, this is who God made you to be. If I have a problem with that, the issue is me, not you.” Quirks and all I need to embrace who he is completely. Now, when he crosses a line I tell him. When he does something he thinks is playful and it hurts me, or offends me, I let him know. He may not have actually even done anything wrong, but due to my own past wounds sometimes I can get triggered. Ah the side-effects of abuse. 
I’m someone who dislikes conflict. I can handle it well. I’ve had training. I understand de-escalation and all the techniques involved in fighting-fair. I’m just someone who prefers harmony. I’m careful when I go into a conflict situation where I need to confront someone. I pray. I try to figure out what part I played in the situation. I challenge my motivation: Do I really want what’s best for the other person in resolving this?
I’m not a New Year’s resolution kind of gal. God leads and I follow. I recognize I cannot reach any goal without Him. If I set a “start date” that is my own, for example, “On January 1st I will eat no more sugar,” I’ll sabatog myself. Maybe that’s just me. I’m trying to get over my all-or-nothing mentality.
I guess the question I have though is this: Is this purpose driven life for your benefit or for others?
Meeting one-on-one with authors is a sacrifice of time, energy and can involve travel. I don’t do it a lot–but when it do it is because God has given me a desire and giftedness to encourage those. His purpose drives me.
I’m happy to welcome author Kendra Brockhuis to my blog to discuss her writing journey.